Illuminati Messaging System
I hope this finds you well and that you are happier than the last time we met in Vegas. Life for me is not so great at the moment, and I have returned to work as an Illuminati sex-slave. I’m all over the place. I have been re-programmed and am now called StarBright so please update my contact details.
Are you still into dolphins? I’m not sure why I typed that. Apparently, I have been hypnotised, and a significant message for you is implanted into my brain. Next time we meet you just have to say the trigger phrase ‘Tell me the message from the Illuminati’. Once I’ve passed on the message, then run away as fast as you can because I believe they’ve also programmed me to operate as a level Theta assassin. I can’t be sure, because that's how good hypnosis works, but it is better to be safe than sorry. They've also sent the message by email but are worried it might get lost in your Spam folder because you are still using Gmail.
Could you also return my Star Trek outfit when I see you?
Lots of love
StarBright (née Perry)
Tax Avoidance and Bono Tricks
Dear Mr Derbyshire
I work for The Guardian newspaper in London, and I am currently investigating the Paradise Papers. I would be grateful if you could call me to arrange an interview as I have some serious questions for you.
Your name has turned up 18000 times in connection with what can only be described as an unbelievable number of offshore companies and other tax avoidance schemes. Strange - as I can see from your website that you claim you are trying to get rid of your money rather than hoard it away.
Your name turns up over and over and again, and when I call anybody in regards to my research, I keep getting referred to you. In fact, when I contacted Buckingham Palace regarding the Queen’s investments from her private estate Her Majesty called me herself and said ‘Speak to Bazzer D’. On my way home later the same day, a car with blacked out windows tried to run me over.
I’m also puzzled by the purchase of 12 F-35 Lightning II fighter jets that were bought from Lewis Hamilton in July last year. The £13million retainer you appear to pay Bono every year to perform close up magic tricks has also raised a few eyebrows. These queries are the tip of the iceberg.
I am looking forward to hearing from you Bazzer D
Just call the Guradian Newspaper in London or pop in for a coffee if you are passing.
Keen hobbyists are ruining the business
I am Ralph, King of the Beggars,
I have begged this laptop to issue you with a cease and desist order on behalf of real world beggars everywhere.
I have begged around the world, I have begged my way into things, begged my way out of things, begged on my knees, begged at gunpoint, I've even begged a banana from the Sultan of Brunei. I'm the best there is.
I'm wearing one of Michael Jackson's stage outfits that I begged on very productive begging holiday in Los Angeles.
You see, Barry, begging is an art, a beautiful game, practiced by dedicated and highly motivated professionals not something to mess with.
I am concerned that your begging site opens up begging to keen hobbyist beggars, amateurs with no idea about the art. This web based begging is bad for the begging business and I fear will lead to declining begging standards.
I am begging you Barry please take this site down now before you ruin begging for all honest beggars everywhere and the true art of begging is lost for future generations.
Ralph, King of The beggars
Last Chance For Free Copy of 'Barry's End' on Amazon Kindle Store
My name is Thorn. I'm the cop that proved that Soylent Green is made out of people. I'm also a big fan of your books but the recent instalment regarding your time travelling abilities made me question your authenticity. I felt embarrassed that I had mentioned your work to friends and even recommended one of your books to my book club. We meet on the 2nd Tuesday of every month, and I have been dreading turning up on the 10th because I am certain I will face ridicule.
In my desperation to prove that you and Chris are real and that you really can travel back in time and hang out with Hitler, I have watched every documentary ever made about the evil Nazi tyrant frame by freakin' frame using the pause button on my Tivo remote and thank God I finally found you!
Here is a screenshot from 'Hitler: The Architect of Doom' that first aired on The History Channel in 1997. It famously shows Hitler in a crowd in front of the Munich Feldherrenhalle waving his hat to cheer the outbreak of the Great War. What most historians have failed to notice is the man in the white hat with a dolphin attached to his back. But there you are Barry. You and Chris as clear as day. Proof not only that you and Chris exist but also that time travel is very fucking real.
Can't wait for Tuesday now.
All the best