I wake with a start. My head throbbing. Opening one eye slowly I realise I am lying face down in a pool of blood. I try to push myself up off the floor, but it feels like there is a dead weight on my shoulders. Raising my head as much as I can I blink my other eye open. Where am I? Who am I? Why have I got a dolphin……aaaghhhh! Now I am up. Punching and slapping the dolphin that appears to have been sewn onto my back. In a desperate attempt to remove the stinking aquatic mammal I spin around furiously tripping over a dead scientist and crashing into an operating table. “Barry! Barry! Fucking stop it or you’ll kill us both”
I must be hallucinating - the dolphin is talking to me. I stop dead still and close my eyes. I have some experience with drugs having once shared a rolled up cannabis joint with my roommate at MIT. I hated it but I learned that if you concentrated very very hard, you could turn off drugs like a light switch. I close my eyes and think of nice things like tea at Claridges and getting a back rub from my best friend and butler, Ivan. My reverie is broken by the dolphin whispering in my ear “wake up Barry we’ve got to go - they’re coming - move it move it."
I open my eyes and only now see the full horror of my surroundings. I'm in some kind of underground cave that has been turned into part science lab, part operating theatre, part sea world adventure playground. I’m tempted to have a quick go on the seahorse themed bouncy castle but survival instinct takes over, and I race for the door. Flinging it open reveals we’re actually inside an industrial warehouse. We rush to the next door and we are inside a giant aircraft hanger. Fuck me - this has to be the work of Those That Control Us. I head to the next door knowing full well what to expect - yes through this door, and we’re inside a cave. You’ve got to admire the Illuminati in a way. Classic. But wait what’s this? A chink of light in the cave wall! I run over to it and dive through head first. The dolphin screams, but we’re through - it’s just a curtain painstakingly embroidered to look like a cave.
"My name's Chris by the way," says my new dolphin appendage "run Barry run"