Money for War
My Dearest Friend Barry
I am writing to request funding for my war on the Japanese.
The Japs need a good kicking and I'm the man to do it, but I need your help. If only we'd wiped them out when we had the chance then I wouldn't have to look at their snarly little faces everywhere I go.
Wars cost lots of money and I have very little.
This isn't a race thing, my hatred goes back years when I suffered terrible privations in Burma. I only escaped with my sanity and health in tact because of a combination of good luck and my own will to live.
You see, back in 1957 I worked as an extra on the movie Bridge on the River Kwai, staring Alec Guinness and directed by David Lean. I only had a small role and no lines although my agent had promised me a speaking part. Bastard.
Conditions during filming were awful, with long periods of boredom while the crew set up shots. Sessue Hayakawa, who played Colonel Saito in the movie constantly teased me, promising me he'd speak to David Lean about getting me the role I believed my ability deserved. But he never did.
Hayakawa was just toying with me for his own amusement. One day I was in the location catering van, getting my third helping of a fine Sunday roast, when I overheard, Hayakawa, Lean and William Holden sniggering about my acting ability. That really was the final straw. Although I didn't say anything at the time I vowed that when I returned to England and the safety of the theatre I would get my revenge.
To tell you the truth, I can't look at a Jap without remembering the unbelievable cruelty I suffered at the hands of Hayakawa. If the movie ever comes on the TV I only have to hear that infernal bloody theme music and I have to scream and scream and scream as I am taken back to those terrible times.
Barry send me about £1million so I can raise a private army to destroy the Nips once and for all. I will start by driving the tourist Japs from SoHo.
Got to go, I have a performance to do, any help gladly accepted.
Kind regards Edward Melon - Bootye