Articles tagged with: unhappy

Airship Disaster!!

Party to give away my fortune goes wrong!

Airship Disaster!!

Happy New Year!!!

 It’s been a strange few days. I’ve been moving place to place on the run from Illuminati assassins. Many, many of you have been kind enough to help me out with a bed for the night and I’ve gladly made those people rich beyond their wildest dreams!

 A special shout out to you, Mike of Boulder, Colorado 80301, for teaching me how to smoke a bong while snow boarding backwards. What a crazy day! But you should really do something about that spot on your nose. I think it may be syphilis.

 But things went wrong on New Year’s Eve big style. I’d gotten my butler Ivan to sneak my personal airship, ‘The Barry Balloon’, into the United States so I could hold a lavish New Years party.

 I don’t know how he got it past customs or the US Air Force and when I asked him he just said in that grumpy Russian way he has, ‘I paid a lot of people, a lot of money’ Good! The less money I have, the happier I am!

 I’d invited some of the richest people in the world to the party and planned to give away a substantial part of my fortune — rich people love money especially when they don’t have to do anything for it, so I had high hopes that 2018 would get off to an awesome start.

 It was a disaster. The Illuminati had sneaked an assassin on board disguised as formula one champion and world fashion icon Lewis Hamilton. Hamilton pulled an enormous elephant gun from his sweatpants just as we got to the second chorus of ‘Auld Lang Syne’ and I had to run for my life from the party to the airship’s cockpit.

 As I ran into the cockpit, with the Illuminati Hamilton bearing down on me like a Mclaran on a Ferrari, I tripped over Ivan my butler, and Hollywood great Angela Lansbury arm wrestling on the floor. I flew across the cockpit, slammed into the controls and we nosedived towards the flat Kansas Prairie, far, far below. Illuminati Hamilton, realising we were about to crash, turned into a ball of light and melted through the airships skin. It was perhaps the strangest thing I have ever witnessed.

 Worse was to come. We hit an isolated farm house and as the screams and cries of the great and the good filled the airship I realised we had crashed into a BitCoin mine! Hundreds of glistening BitCoins were pouring into the cockpit and I was now (unless the Chinese Communist Party decide to restrict their crypto-currency exchanges through upcoming legislation) more cashed up than I had ever been.

When will I ever be free?!!!!!

Down On The Farm!

Plain country living

Down On The Farm!

After my appeal for help earlier this week after I discovered I’m on an Illuminati hit list I’ve been moved by all the offers.

Moved to never give out any money again—only two people offered me sanctuary during this time of great danger. But God Bless the two that did, they will receive their Bit Coins shortly.

I’m now holed up on a farm in the American mid west with my butler Ivan.

I won’t say precisely where (and i’m posting this from a signal that is being routed through 23 proxies and bounced off Alex Jones’ head)  but Olney, Illinois has a very nice diner where the good folks of the town meet to discuss the day.

I think they were a bit shocked when I walked in. Maybe it was my Karl Lagerfeld suit or that i ordered a vegan breakfast or that Ivan spoon fed me every last morsel. But it soon settled down.

When I left I tipped the waitress 10K USD and she decided there and then to come work for me. A couple of families that saw me give me the small tip, invited me to dinner this evening. 

Seems they are some good folks left in the world!

But the Illuminati still loom and I’m a moment ago I could hear one of them scuttling around in the back yard. I’m sending Ivan out to have a look and will report back later….

PS To the Illuminati who hacked the blog. there aren’t any WH Smiths in southern Illinois! They can’t even read here here! Let alone have newstands. Haven’t thought your cunning plan through have you?

Frozen

It's cold but good to be back

Frozen
Christ - what a rest! Judging by my inbox I’ve been sorely missed. Nine thousand begs to sort out. At the current rate, it’ll take my butler, Ivan, several years to write a heartfelt personalised reply to each and every single one of you. You may be wondering where I’ve been the last three months. Like many multi-billionaires, I invested heavily in cryogenic freezing technology when I first became filthy rich. It made sense at the time, the logic being that it would be impossible to spend my vast wealth in one lifetime and so I’d need maybe 10 or even 20 lifetimes to get the most out of it. Now, of course, it’s possible to grow new body parts as you need them in one of your laboratories hidden in the desert and so cryo-preservation has fallen out of fashion with the elite classes. If I have a cold or flu-like symptoms now, I just grow myself a new nose and I’m good to go.

Make My Fridge Frigid Again

Make My Fridge Frigid Again

Dear Barry mate,

I need to ask a favour. A small one, not much cash involved. 

My wife has left me because of our new fridge freezer. It’s one of those so called ‘smart’ ones and she came home to find me wanking off in front of it. Myself, I can’t see the problem—i crack one out in front of all my other internet connected devices so why should this be any different? 

Who cares if it hasn't got a screen and I can't even see porn. It's connected to the internet so that's what it's for right?

But she won’t come back till i buy a new old fashioned fridge (if that makes any sense) and get rid of the old one.

Now I can afford to get a hotpoint from argos but am struggling with the ten quid disposal fee. So if you  give us a tenner it would sort this mess out. I think it will be cheaper than a divorce.

Cheers

Dave

Cat Lady Query

Cat Lady Query

Hi Barry,

 Greetings from the beautiful state of Nebraska! Go corn Huskers Go!

 I am what you might term a ‘cat lady’. I know it is meant as an unkind term, but I cannot deny the truth of it—i am a lady who is into cats. In fact some might say my feline affection goes too far. My Ex-Husband Bob thought so when he came home early from his manager’s job at the Dairy Queen in Lincoln and caught me in bed having ‘relations’ with a ginger tom and a tawny tabby I’d picked up from the pet rescue. 

 I’ve since stopped my alley catting ways (plus the pet rescue took out a restraining order)  and am now ready to settle down with a handsome Burmese cat, Mr Binky I found living in a dumpster. Trouble is in the United States human cat marriage is not legal. So I need a couple of million to lobby my local congressman to try and get a law passed in Washington. Please help love find a way, Barry.

Yours 

Sarah

PS 

If you don’t help. GO F*CK YOURSELF!