Dear Barry

I went hiking in the wilderness without telling anyone where I was going, and then in a deep, narrow crevice, got my scrotum trapped between a boulder and the canyon wall. I know - painful.

I was there for 128 hours before, delirious and hallucinating, I bit off one of my testicles and spat it out freeing myself from my rocky prison.

Unfortunately my testicle rolled down the mountain gathering snow until it became a giant 1km wide testicle death snowball. It flattened my village at the bottom of the valley, killing my entire family, including Auntie Chiang-chup and my fiancee Tshe-wang, who was pregnant.

I am an upbeat and resilient person and am optimistic that when the snow thaws I will be able to find my missing testicle which should have been preserved in the ice.

I require funding to take my bollock to the big hospital in the city where I am confident it can be reattached and I can find a new woman to impregnate.

I have looked at the prices on the web and bollock reattachment ops are very pricey.

Can you help?

I am rich. Filthy stinking rich. I have a beachfront home in Malibu, an apartment in New York and a country estate in England. I travel first class and dine in the finest restaurants. I appear to have everything but in reality I’m miserable. My life is shallow, empty, soulless, and lonely. I’ll explain more over the coming weeks but all you need to know for now is that I’m giving away my fortune. I can’t stand it anymore, its got to go. All you have to do is tell me how much you want and what you're going to do with it. I can’t guarantee I’ll give money to everyone, but if I think you deserve a share then I’ll help wherever I can.