Heya Barry. I have some terrible news that is just so embarrassing! It can't be true I thought but having watched it back on my computer I can't hide the fact that I can't clap! Apparently I am part human and part dolphin. I'm depressed Barry. The only fix is specialist hypnotherapy and it costs a bomb. I'm not sure I have enough money for therapy and cope with the emotional trauma is too much. I was told it will cost a few million to fully cure me. Until then I can't be seen in any social environment for the fear of clapping is too much. Help a damsel in distress. I know you will x
Help infirm actors now!
Hello again Barry,
As you rudely did not accept my recent proposal to help stop old athletes ending up in the dog food factory by buying their gold medals and turning them into teeth I have another proposition for you.
This one has more 'celebrity' around it, so knowing how vain and self centred you are (i follow you on Instagram @begbarry) I think you will fund it.
Instead of buying athletes gold medals we should buy Oscar winners statuettes, melt them down to help the world's poor and gummy and in process saving broken down actors from a life of poverty.
I mean Christ did you see Warren Beatty last night at the Oscar ceremony? Think what he could do with a couple of hundred dollars. Get some reading glasses for starters.
Please let me know by Noon (Reunion Island Time) your answer,
I can tell by your profile picture that like me you are a man fond of gold and charity. I hope you will be able to help me in my golden charitable endeavours.
It really is for a good cause—athletes that have fallen on hard times. And dentistry.
As you know (or may not, after-all I don’t live inside your head) many top Olympians end up in the poorhouse or humiliating themselves after their careers have ended because of age or after having accidentally stood on needles containing performance enhancing drugs.
Jesse Owens had to race against horses for cash, Britain’s Olympic cyclist Sir Bradley Wiggins had his haircut sponsored by Cleethorpes’ Paul Weller fan club and Usain Bolt secretly acts as a human compass for the Himalayan Kingdom of Bhutan.
Don’t believe me? Check out the next time he does his arrow pose—he’s always pointing to magnetic north.
I want this to stop before we see the likes of 17 time gold winner swimmer Michael Phelps starring as a murderous Walrus on Game of Thrones (though that would be kinda of cool) so here’s my proposal;
You give me 79 million dollars so I can go round buying up Olympic champions’ gold medals. They get the cash and live lives free of humiliation, I get to keep the medals for my own use.
What use you ask? Well, I have always had problems with my teeth and need a full mouth replacement I’m going to melt all the medals down to make a set of dental implants.
I then plan to travel the world and allow anyone who asks to brush my golden grill, so both spreading the Olympic spirit of ‘can do’ and keeping my 24 carrat chiclets in good condition.
Please answer my proposal by sunrise.
it has snowballed
I went hiking in the wilderness without telling anyone where I was going, and then in a deep, narrow crevice, got my scrotum trapped between a boulder and the canyon wall. I know - painful.
I was there for 128 hours before, delirious and hallucinating, I bit off one of my testicles and spat it out freeing myself from my rocky prison.
Unfortunately my testicle rolled down the mountain gathering snow until it became a giant 1km wide testicle death snowball. It flattened my village at the bottom of the valley, killing my entire family, including Auntie Chiang-chup and my fiancee Tshe-wang, who was pregnant.
I am an upbeat and resilient person and am optimistic that when the snow thaws I will be able to find my missing testicle which should have been preserved in the ice.
I require funding to take my bollock to the big hospital in the city where I am confident it can be reattached and I can find a new woman to impregnate.
I have looked at the prices on the web and bollock reattachment ops are very pricey.
Can you help?
surgery for Gary
I am in need of some money to help cheer up my dog - Gary Neville, I know it is a funny name for a dog but I am an avid Man U fan.
Gary has not been himself for a number of weeks. I have tried everything to cheer him up, including buying him new clothes and shoes, taking him to expensive restaurants and I have even bought him a Nintendo Wii. Nothing seems to work.
He is really down and I'm at my wits end.
I am thinking that plastic surgery might be the only answer.
I often hear people saying " Ugly dog" and "Ugly fat bitch" when I go to the shops. I think Gary has overheard these comments because dogs have very, very good hearing.
I am fat and ugly myself and so I know how these kind of comments hurt. I was thinking that I could get a plastic surgeon to make him look like the real Gary Neville and then the comments wouldn't be so bad.
Please send €15000 so I can get him fixed up.
If you can't send it let me know and I'll have him killed and get a cat instead.
AALTJE, LEIDEN, NETHERLANDS