Articles tagged with: food

Expedition Needs Funding

I have discovered what thousands have failed to find

Expedition Needs Funding

Dear Barry,

Hope you are keeping safe while on the run from the Illuminati.

I am writing to you to ask your help, but I think what i am proposing will help you also.

As you know the Illuminati started millions of years ago on the lost continent of Atlantis. Their power still derives from the powerful energy crystals they they brought with them from that mysterious land.

It is said if you possess one these  Atlantean crystals no illuminati can harm you.

But I’m sure you must know all this being an educated man of taste and sophistication who has travelled this world and beyond.

I can now tell you that I have discovered the location of the lost continent of Atlantis. 

Yes, you read that right. I have found  Atlantis. An achievement that explorers, adventurers and at least 54 Discovery Channel prime time series' have failed to achieve.

And the best thing? It's not under miles of oceanic water or below billions of tons of rock. No,  the mysterious land that has held man in its spell for aeons is hiding in plain site as the Atlantis Fish Bar, Uppingham Rd, Leicester, England. The brazenness of it all!

My plan is this, infiltrate Atlantis, liberate the energy crystals and get one to you so the Illuminati will be off your back. I would of course keep all media rights. 

It's not going to be easy as well you know these Atlantean Illuminati types play for keeps. The danger will be intense. 

I need £2.50 so I can enter the continent for the lunchtime Fishcake & Chips special. I’d go later but my bus home stops running at 5PM and I think it doesn’t open till 5.30 at night.

Send the money as soon as possible and let me help end your life on the run.

Kindest regards,

Dr Nigel Paperclip Ba (Hons)

Peas Help Me Barry

What is a portion anyway?

Peas Help Me Barry

Hi Bazzer

This email may come as some surprise. My name is Delores and you will remember me from the HF Massage Parlour - it’s closed down now and in its place is a Lucky Pet Premium Pet Food Store.

I’m now back in the UK after being deported and through no fault of my own I have 8 children to support - I’m not even sure if some of them are mine. Anyway Baz, I remember you said that if ever I needed anything you would be happy to help, so here goes.

Things are tough at the moment and I’m very worried after reading somewhere that it is now the law that everybody eats 33 portions of fruit and veg per day! I’m not even sure what a portion is but I do know I don’t want to go back to prison. I’ve priced up the cost of 33 portions of Petit Pois X 8 children X 7 days and it is a lot of peas per week. The best price I’ve found is Tesco which works out at 15p per 100g - I know some people will say I could get garden peas which are cheaper but two of the kids, Rio and Jordan, won’t touch them so it’s pointless. 

If you could set up a standing order or regular delivery from Tesco I could avoid a lengthy jail term, and the children might avoid many common western illnesses in later life. I could do with a bigger freezer as well. So we all win.

Love you

Delores