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now is the time to act!


Dear Barry,

As you are no doubt aware we live in a world that is increasingly beset by environmental problems.

Climate change, crop failure and the ever dwindling carbon based fuel resources show that we are in a lot of trouble and that if we don’t do something soon future generations will be doomed to live with our inaction.

In my own way I had been trying to ‘do my bit’ to help forestall this calamity that faces us.

I switched off my lights when I drove at night, only made essential toilet trips and carry home my groceries in a shopping bag made of hemp and spider’s webs.

But it still felt like I wasn’t doing enough.

Then I hit on a way to make myself totally self-sufficient, a method where I can meet all my energy needs without having to rely on the government grid, and maybe, just maybe give the world a new energy source.

I designed a working prototype myself (I was engineer James Watt in a previous life) and pleased with the results, I installed one for the neighbor’s either side of me.

They both worked perfectly and the neighbors were ecstatic with the results. (Though both are addicted to ecstasy so that could have been their normal state).

The only problem is fuel.

My device is powered by a product and method that is repellent and offensive to many-it runs on the blood of kittens.

At first securing a supply wasn’t a problem-I live with my mum and she is the prototype ‘crazy cat lady’, so I had enough fuel for my experiments.

But soon my mother’s supply ran out and I had to resort to scanning the local craiglist for kittens being given away.

I’m proud to say that even though tempted I never stole any of the neighborhood kittens, though I did find myself at the local canal hoping someone would turn up with a bag of the squirming creatures.

Anyways, I’ve rambled on enough.

What I need is funds to start my own kitten farm.

I envision acres and acres of kittens hooked up to machines providing blood to fuel my machines. This would be more humane than the present method as they would be kept alive rather than having to be killed.

So come on Barry, give generously and let’s save this planet!

Yours truly,

Mr Jonathan Felixstowe



Cars, Planes, Energy Power Plants, Rocket Engines

I have a design for a propulsion device that will revolutionize mankind overnight....

My major problem is that I can not find an investor thats not tied into one of those fields that would be affected when this comes to truition economically.

Its environmentally friendly and doesnt burn oil.

I am offering you 49% of corperation that wil own the patent and copyright of the design.

So in essance i am offering you money 1000 times what you have now if you will have the faith in me.

Please call Charles





As the phrase goes 'a picture tells a thousand words' and so does the one next to my beg-thousands of millions of dollars from my new sport 'Midgetball'

I want bore you with the rules or even how the game is played.

i don't need to

this sport has midgets with balls surgically attached to their heads. Which is pretty much what every healthy human on the planet wants from their athletic entertainment.

Lets get this started!


the high wire

Hi Barry,

This isn’t a beg more of a business proposal and if all goes to plan we can make a lotta of money!

But first a bit of background. I’m a trained trapeze artist with years of experience but the safety net has been torn to shreds in the circus market and I’m now looking to expand into tightrope walking.

I need to create a big splash so I can secure lucrative TV contracts/Gigs with various circuses/A show in Vegas (preferably the Wynn), so I figure a massive televised event, like David Blaine or David Copperfield do would be just the ticket.

Obviously no self respecting TV exec/Casino boss will take a chance on an unknown like me but if I bring an event to them, so big, so fantastically big, I KNOW they will have to take notice and sign me up.

So this is the plan. Prepare yourself because it’s a winner. Something that will have my name in lights for all time and you can be a part of it if want. You can


guaranteed money making machine uses no power and works anywhere

Dear Mister Barry

I am not here to beg. I have a business proposition that will shake the earth and its ruling elite. It is guaranteed money making machine that will alter the world. WE need to act now as the American military machine is finalising the development of robot cannon fodder and war is assured. I should know as I was in the British Army and have seen prototypes on the battlefield. The reason being I lost part of my head and both ears in Kosovo and I was carried to safety by an undocumented MedicDrone.

Like I said, I am not here to beg I do that in the real world outside Gateshead Metro station with no luck and lots of abuse. Where will your internet and web + email be once war starts?. Even banking sites and sites that are no good will not function as expected.

Yes. I have developed a standalone web alternative that can exist outside war. The internet was originally developed by unnamed American Army personnel in 1953. A way of keeping in touch with childhood sweethearts and for the grooming of new ones. In wave after wave of nuclear attack you would know if your wife or baby was burnt to cinders and you use that bloodlust for new ideas and tricks for future battles. Like Japs in WW2 everything burns even handheld web devices like blackberry. I’ve not tested the iPhone but I suspect these are useless in armageddon.

So what now. Even in underdeveloped war torn regions like the borderless counties of Pakistan where web and email is under used. Without war my system is even useful to these people to get online with ebay, amazon and such like. My web uses NO power, NO Cables, NO elect-robes, No brain chips. I use a system of wheels and pulleys, cogs and clock parts help but wood is no good as it burns too easily. The power is clockwork so as long as the user has hands email can be retrieved successfully. If your hands are blown then a bicycle power and other accessories are available for a bit extra even a leather case.

I can’t reveal exact details as copyists and plagers are everywhere but sand is a main requirement and can be found in borderless regions. I can’t afford world wide patent. My prototype unit was stolen by hired thugs dressed like children right from outside the Metro. SO WE must act now. Before Microsoft or sum such place gets into it’s hands!

I need £2458 and a watch of good make like Rolex to resupply and get warm. A new testing facility is awaiting in Australia with plenty of sand and testing subjects. Once there I will build a new prototype so we are ready. When it starts there will only me and you, Barry and a few hundred Aborigines with web access + email and banking. We will have all the power and money we need.New protocols will need to be written and an algorithm for search and other functions, but that’s it we’re in business!

I look forward to hearing from you and working with you in the future. If you can’t send the money yet just send the watch so I can get started.