As you may have noticed there is a lot of anger in the world these days. Many folks are worried about all the tension and outrage that is floating on the air.
I am not.
In fact I am very excited. Why you ask?
Because I have after many years of intense research discovered the secret to harvesting and converting atmospheric human emotion to electricity.
I can’t give away any secrets but basically I place my angry antenna somewhere high and it picks up all the bad vibes floating across the atmosphere. It then runs from there to a set of re-chargable lithium batteries where it is stored till needed.
The angrier people are the quicker the quicker the batteries fill up.
Think of it, everytime you have a shouting match with a loved one, or a social media battle my angry antenna will pick it up and generate power. It could change the world.
Angry at Donald Trump? You’ve just helped a hospital run its lights for a week. Angry at Hilary Clinton? Your rage has helped power a water well in the Sudan. Stubbed your toe? An cat orphanage in Argentina X Ray machine will work.
So what do i want from you? My invention works but I now need funds to buy Nikolai Tesla’s old lab at Wardencliffe, New York.
Here I will erect a three thousand foot tall tower to harvest the pissed off energy of New York City.
But the area it can pick up may even reach to Quebec — think of all the anger flowing from French Canadians made to speak English)
I think it’s only fitting that i should unveil to the world my discovery at such a hallowed place in suppressed innovation. And once they see it soon Angry Towers will be all over the world
I won’t lie, it will be expensive, 40 million dollars but it’s a small price to pay to change the world.
I know you will do what is right,
Montrose Patrick Ellen
I have discovered what thousands have failed to find
Hope you are keeping safe while on the run from the Illuminati.
I am writing to you to ask your help, but I think what i am proposing will help you also.
As you know the Illuminati started millions of years ago on the lost continent of Atlantis. Their power still derives from the powerful energy crystals they they brought with them from that mysterious land.
It is said if you possess one these Atlantean crystals no illuminati can harm you.
But I’m sure you must know all this being an educated man of taste and sophistication who has travelled this world and beyond.
I can now tell you that I have discovered the location of the lost continent of Atlantis.
Yes, you read that right. I have found Atlantis. An achievement that explorers, adventurers and at least 54 Discovery Channel prime time series' have failed to achieve.
And the best thing? It's not under miles of oceanic water or below billions of tons of rock. No, the mysterious land that has held man in its spell for aeons is hiding in plain site as the Atlantis Fish Bar, Uppingham Rd, Leicester, England. The brazenness of it all!
My plan is this, infiltrate Atlantis, liberate the energy crystals and get one to you so the Illuminati will be off your back. I would of course keep all media rights.
It's not going to be easy as well you know these Atlantean Illuminati types play for keeps. The danger will be intense.
I need £2.50 so I can enter the continent for the lunchtime Fishcake & Chips special. I’d go later but my bus home stops running at 5PM and I think it doesn’t open till 5.30 at night.
Send the money as soon as possible and let me help end your life on the run.
Dr Nigel Paperclip Ba (Hons)
As I am sure you are more than aware—afterall billionaires are a special kind of person that have access to information ordinary mortals don’t—we are living in the End Times.
And as you know before the final Battle of Judgement begins the Messiah has to return to Earth. I am a very religious person and think the Messiah (when he arrives back) should be greeted by someone like me. Me, in fact.
But as the sacred texts say he will remain hidden for the first 33 years of his life how will I know where to find him, you can't just find a Messiah Detector on Amazon can you? Good question. And I have the answer.
I have discovered in an ancient Circassian book, ‘The Hekiatner’ that vampires are extra-sensitive to the return of Messiahs and are drawn like iron filings to a magnet by the messianic presence. (they also develop a yellow halo when the saviour returns to the Earth)
Obviously I need my own Vampire. I know a couple (one works night shift in a Carls Jnr just outside Sacramento) and they are willing to act as detectors if I put them on a retainer of 50 thousand bucks a year. So come on Barry send the cash and make sure the Messiah gets the welcome he/she/it deserves!
We can learn so much...
Good day Mr Derbyshire,
I don’t know why but I get the feeling that you have a keen interest in ornithology or bird-watching as it is known to the layman, so i know you will look kindly at my funding proposal.
For many years i’ve been, like Dr Dolittle, talking to the animals. The most communicative of the animal kingdom in my research have been the birds, specifically, the Robins.
I can’t count the number of conversations I’ve had with them. They have very long memories (they pass them down father to son) so they can remember the Civil War and even the first Thanksgiving!
One even told me how his great great great great great grandad was there when Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas!
Problem is, not only are they a little bit deaf, but they don’t understand my questions so well. But i’ve invented a megaphone device that enables the red breasted creatures to both understand and hear me. I’ve made three so far but want to scale it up to become the Uber of the bird talking world!
This could really be the goose that lays the golden egg! So send me a couple of million minimum!
Buddy J Mattes
Need research funds
I have been conducting a series of experiments with self driving cars in South London. As i’m sure you’ll agree whoever cracks this will make untold billions supplying vehicles to the likes of Uber, Amazon and the major car makers.
Alas, my experiments so far have proved disastrous. This is mainly because instead of guiding the cars by a computer aided navigational system, I have been using the power of will alone.
Now, as anyone who knows me knows, I have an extremely strong will. But it has not strong been enough to stop my experiments from crashing into a) A lampost in Kennington, B) the lido at Brockwell Park and c) a a group of doggers on Clapham Common.
So I ask for you to invest some funds so I can design my own navigational technology. I’ve done some research and reckon I could get by with a TomTom Sat Nav, an old mop and a roll of knitting yarn. 400 quid should do it.
Hope to hear from you soon.