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Bird Whisperer

We can learn so much...

Bird Whisperer

Good day Mr Derbyshire,

I don’t know why but I get the feeling that you have a keen interest in ornithology or bird-watching as it is known to the layman, so i know you will look kindly at my funding proposal.

For many years i’ve been, like Dr Dolittle, talking to the animals. The most communicative of the animal kingdom in my research have been the birds, specifically, the Robins.

I can’t count the number of conversations I’ve had with them. They have very long memories (they pass them down father to son) so they can remember the Civil War and even the first Thanksgiving!

One even told me how his great great great great great grandad was there when Kennedy was assassinated in Dallas!

Problem is, not only are they a little bit deaf, but they don’t understand my questions so well. But i’ve invented a megaphone device that enables the red breasted creatures to both understand and hear me. I’ve made three so far but want to scale it up to become the Uber of the bird talking world!

This could really be the goose that lays the golden egg! So send me a couple of million minimum!

Cheers

Buddy J Mattes

Self Driving Car Disaster

Need research funds

Self Driving Car Disaster

Dear Barry,

I have been conducting a series of experiments with self driving cars in South London. As i’m sure you’ll agree whoever cracks this will make untold billions supplying vehicles to the likes of Uber, Amazon and the major car makers.

Alas, my experiments so far have proved disastrous. This is mainly because instead of guiding the cars by a computer aided navigational system, I have been using the power of will alone.

Now, as anyone who knows me knows, I have an extremely strong will. But it has not strong been enough to stop my experiments from crashing into a) A lampost in Kennington, B) the lido at Brockwell Park and c) a a group of doggers on Clapham Common. 

So I ask for you to invest some funds so I can design my own navigational technology. I’ve done some research and reckon I could get by with a TomTom Sat Nav, an old mop and a roll of knitting yarn. 400 quid should do it. 

Hope to hear from you soon.

Malcolm Sheer

Athletes Tooth

Athletes Tooth

Dear Barry,

 I can tell by your profile picture that like me you are a man fond of gold and charity. I hope you will be able to help me in my golden charitable endeavours.

It really is for a good cause—athletes that have fallen on hard times. And dentistry.

 As you know (or may not, after-all I don’t live inside your head) many top Olympians end up in the poorhouse or humiliating themselves after their careers have ended because of age or after having accidentally stood on needles containing performance enhancing drugs.

 Jesse Owens had to race against horses for cash, Britain’s Olympic cyclist Sir Bradley Wiggins had his haircut sponsored by Cleethorpes’ Paul Weller fan club and Usain Bolt secretly acts as a human compass for the Himalayan Kingdom of Bhutan.

Don’t believe me? Check out the next time he does his arrow pose—he’s always pointing to magnetic north.

 I want this to stop before we see the likes of 17 time gold winner swimmer Michael Phelps starring as a murderous Walrus on Game of Thrones (though that would be kinda of cool) so here’s my proposal;

You give me 79 million dollars so I can go round buying up Olympic champions’ gold medals. They get the cash and live lives free of humiliation, I get to keep the medals for my own use.

 What use you ask? Well, I have always had problems with my teeth and need a full mouth replacement I’m going to melt all the medals down to make a set of dental implants.

I then plan to travel the world and allow anyone who asks to brush my golden grill, so both spreading the Olympic spirit of ‘can do’ and keeping my 24 carrat chiclets in good condition.

 Please answer my proposal by sunrise.

 Yours

 Audrey Gigi

REVOLUTIONARY ARAB APP

True cost of removing evil

REVOLUTIONARY ARAB APP

Dear Beggary

Have you ever wondered why we spent millions of billions removing an evil Arab dictor from power.

Yes I have wondered.

With current rolling news mess in our faces, first Egypt, then the other ones. These guys have been doing revolution for less than $1000 - the true cost of removing evil.

I won't mention Lybia or Siriah. Too expensive for my tastes.

Not billions millions. What does it cost. A Facebook account = free. twitter account also free. Maybe some photocopying $250.

Permanent markers. permanent martyrs LOL.

Sticks, stones < free on the sidewalk. maybe some gas for throwing. But whatever you say it don't cost American body bags no more.

I have an idea for an iPhone App - kind of quick start Arab dictor revolution swiss army knife app.

You can set up Facegroup, Twitter angry Arab groups with one click. set you budget, find nearest copy shop and more. Status updates of revolutions in progress would be nice.

Estimate $10000 for dev work.

App would be free download as I don't want to make money out of Arabs but would like to do my bit.

Awaiting your immediate response.

Devon

A CHANCE TO SAVE OUR PLANET

now is the time to act!

A CHANCE TO SAVE OUR PLANET

Dear Barry,

As you are no doubt aware we live in a world that is increasingly beset by environmental problems.

Climate change, crop failure and the ever dwindling carbon based fuel resources show that we are in a lot of trouble and that if we don’t do something soon future generations will be doomed to live with our inaction.

In my own way I had been trying to ‘do my bit’ to help forestall this calamity that faces us.

I switched off my lights when I drove at night, only made essential toilet trips and carry home my groceries in a shopping bag made of hemp and spider’s webs.

But it still felt like I wasn’t doing enough.

Then I hit on a way to make myself totally self-sufficient, a method where I can meet all my energy needs without having to rely on the government grid, and maybe, just maybe give the world a new energy source.

I designed a working prototype myself (I was engineer James Watt in a previous life) and pleased with the results, I installed one for the neighbor’s either side of me.

They both worked perfectly and the neighbors were ecstatic with the results. (Though both are addicted to ecstasy so that could have been their normal state).

The only problem is fuel.

My device is powered by a product and method that is repellent and offensive to many-it runs on the blood of kittens.

At first securing a supply wasn’t a problem-I live with my mum and she is the prototype ‘crazy cat lady’, so I had enough fuel for my experiments.

But soon my mother’s supply ran out and I had to resort to scanning the local craiglist for kittens being given away.

I’m proud to say that even though tempted I never stole any of the neighborhood kittens, though I did find myself at the local canal hoping someone would turn up with a bag of the squirming creatures.

Anyways, I’ve rambled on enough.

What I need is funds to start my own kitten farm.

I envision acres and acres of kittens hooked up to machines providing blood to fuel my machines. This would be more humane than the present method as they would be kept alive rather than having to be killed.

So come on Barry, give generously and let’s save this planet!

Yours truly,

Mr Jonathan Felixstowe