• Home
  • Tags: apocalypse

Articles tagged with: apocalypse

Expedition Needs Funding

I have discovered what thousands have failed to find

Expedition Needs Funding

Dear Barry,

Hope you are keeping safe while on the run from the Illuminati.

I am writing to you to ask your help, but I think what i am proposing will help you also.

As you know the Illuminati started millions of years ago on the lost continent of Atlantis. Their power still derives from the powerful energy crystals they they brought with them from that mysterious land.

It is said if you possess one these  Atlantean crystals no illuminati can harm you.

But I’m sure you must know all this being an educated man of taste and sophistication who has travelled this world and beyond.

I can now tell you that I have discovered the location of the lost continent of Atlantis. 

Yes, you read that right. I have found  Atlantis. An achievement that explorers, adventurers and at least 54 Discovery Channel prime time series' have failed to achieve.

And the best thing? It's not under miles of oceanic water or below billions of tons of rock. No,  the mysterious land that has held man in its spell for aeons is hiding in plain site as the Atlantis Fish Bar, Uppingham Rd, Leicester, England. The brazenness of it all!

My plan is this, infiltrate Atlantis, liberate the energy crystals and get one to you so the Illuminati will be off your back. I would of course keep all media rights. 

It's not going to be easy as well you know these Atlantean Illuminati types play for keeps. The danger will be intense. 

I need £2.50 so I can enter the continent for the lunchtime Fishcake & Chips special. I’d go later but my bus home stops running at 5PM and I think it doesn’t open till 5.30 at night.

Send the money as soon as possible and let me help end your life on the run.

Kindest regards,

Dr Nigel Paperclip Ba (Hons)

Airship Disaster!!

Party to give away my fortune goes wrong!

Airship Disaster!!

Happy New Year!!!

 It’s been a strange few days. I’ve been moving place to place on the run from Illuminati assassins. Many, many of you have been kind enough to help me out with a bed for the night and I’ve gladly made those people rich beyond their wildest dreams!

 A special shout out to you, Mike of Boulder, Colorado 80301, for teaching me how to smoke a bong while snow boarding backwards. What a crazy day! But you should really do something about that spot on your nose. I think it may be syphilis.

 But things went wrong on New Year’s Eve big style. I’d gotten my butler Ivan to sneak my personal airship, ‘The Barry Balloon’, into the United States so I could hold a lavish New Years party.

 I don’t know how he got it past customs or the US Air Force and when I asked him he just said in that grumpy Russian way he has, ‘I paid a lot of people, a lot of money’ Good! The less money I have, the happier I am!

 I’d invited some of the richest people in the world to the party and planned to give away a substantial part of my fortune — rich people love money especially when they don’t have to do anything for it, so I had high hopes that 2018 would get off to an awesome start.

 It was a disaster. The Illuminati had sneaked an assassin on board disguised as formula one champion and world fashion icon Lewis Hamilton. Hamilton pulled an enormous elephant gun from his sweatpants just as we got to the second chorus of ‘Auld Lang Syne’ and I had to run for my life from the party to the airship’s cockpit.

 As I ran into the cockpit, with the Illuminati Hamilton bearing down on me like a Mclaran on a Ferrari, I tripped over Ivan my butler, and Hollywood great Angela Lansbury arm wrestling on the floor. I flew across the cockpit, slammed into the controls and we nosedived towards the flat Kansas Prairie, far, far below. Illuminati Hamilton, realising we were about to crash, turned into a ball of light and melted through the airships skin. It was perhaps the strangest thing I have ever witnessed.

 Worse was to come. We hit an isolated farm house and as the screams and cries of the great and the good filled the airship I realised we had crashed into a BitCoin mine! Hundreds of glistening BitCoins were pouring into the cockpit and I was now (unless the Chinese Communist Party decide to restrict their crypto-currency exchanges through upcoming legislation) more cashed up than I had ever been.

When will I ever be free?!!!!!

Down On The Farm!

Plain country living

Down On The Farm!

After my appeal for help earlier this week after I discovered I’m on an Illuminati hit list I’ve been moved by all the offers.

Moved to never give out any money again—only two people offered me sanctuary during this time of great danger. But God Bless the two that did, they will receive their Bit Coins shortly.

I’m now holed up on a farm in the American mid west with my butler Ivan.

I won’t say precisely where (and i’m posting this from a signal that is being routed through 23 proxies and bounced off Alex Jones’ head)  but Olney, Illinois has a very nice diner where the good folks of the town meet to discuss the day.

I think they were a bit shocked when I walked in. Maybe it was my Karl Lagerfeld suit or that i ordered a vegan breakfast or that Ivan spoon fed me every last morsel. But it soon settled down.

When I left I tipped the waitress 10K USD and she decided there and then to come work for me. A couple of families that saw me give me the small tip, invited me to dinner this evening. 

Seems they are some good folks left in the world!

But the Illuminati still loom and I’m a moment ago I could hear one of them scuttling around in the back yard. I’m sending Ivan out to have a look and will report back later….

PS To the Illuminati who hacked the blog. there aren’t any WH Smiths in southern Illinois! They can’t even read here here! Let alone have newstands. Haven’t thought your cunning plan through have you?

MESSIAH DETECTOR

Blessed Barry!

MESSIAH DETECTOR

As I am sure you are more than aware—afterall billionaires are a special kind of person that have access to information ordinary mortals don’t—we are living in the End Times.

 And as you know before the final Battle of Judgement  begins the Messiah has to return to Earth. I am a very religious person and think the Messiah (when he arrives back) should be greeted by someone like me. Me, in fact. 

 But as the sacred texts say he will remain hidden for the first 33 years of his life how will I know where to find him, you can't just find a Messiah Detector on Amazon can you? Good question. And I have the answer. 

 I have discovered in an ancient Circassian book, ‘The Hekiatner’ that vampires are extra-sensitive to the return of Messiahs and are drawn like iron filings to a magnet by the messianic presence. (they also develop a yellow halo when the saviour returns to the Earth)

 Obviously I need my own Vampire. I know a couple (one works night shift in a Carls Jnr just outside Sacramento) and they are willing to act as detectors if I put them on a retainer of 50 thousand bucks a year. So come on Barry send the cash and make sure the Messiah gets the welcome he/she/it deserves!

 Bless you

 Paul Crystalstone 

Haunted Washing Machine

Demon in my Hotpoint

Haunted Washing Machine

Dearest Barry,

I’ll come straight to the point. One of my home appliances has been invaded by supernatural entities who are terrorising my family and making my life a living hell!

It began when my youngest son Nicholas tried to clean his pet chicken in the washing machine. The poor bird was killed but its blood sacrifice meant a demon was able to take up residence inside our Bosch washer dryer (which incidentally we got it on a really good deal from John Lewis).

Since then all the families clothes have smelt of sulphur and my kids go to school smelling of rotten eggs. To be fair, drying is a lot quicker now with the machine being powered by the fires of hell (but get the timing wrong and the kid’s PE kits are reduced to ashes)

I’ve contacted a ‘White Goods Witch’ through Gumtree who says she can get rid of the demon for 50K  in cash. Could you please forward me the money so I can instruct her to send this spin cycle spirit back where it came from.

Though thinking about it, it could be cheaper to buy a new washing machine. So could you send a grand for that please as well.

Yours

Kirsty