Hey barry, I've just shit my pants in a very public place. Could you send me some cash via paypal so i can get some new undercrackers. Cheers serge

Dear barry,

Please read my letter with goodness in your heart

I used to work in an abbatoir processing cattle. I was the man who used the bolt gun. It was hard, but rewarding work and as a bonus you would get the best steaks on a Friday. I was happy and life was going well.

Then one day last November I slipped on some guts and fired the gun into my head. The bolt went straight into my brain. You can imagine what pain I was in but after two weeks thankfully I’d fully recovered.

But now everytime I go near electrical equipment such as the kettle or washing machine my head tingles and my eyes start to bulge and I hear a voice in my head telling me to “Get my ass to Mars” or “Give this people air”

I watched a movie entitled ‘Total recall’ the other night and I heard thses very words. I now need 15.99 to buy said movie to study it more closely to get to the bottom of my condition.

Please help.

Simon In Nuneaton