I wake with a start. My head throbbing. Opening one eye slowly I realise I am lying face down in a pool of blood. I try to push myself up off the floor, but it feels like there is a dead weight on my shoulders. Raising my head as much as I can I blink my other eye open. Where am I? Who am I? Why have I got a dolphin……aaaghhhh! Now I am up. Punching and slapping the dolphin that appears to have been sewn onto my back. In a desperate attempt to remove the stinking aquatic mammal I spin around furiously tripping over a dead scientist and crashing into an operating table. “Barry! Barry! Fucking stop it or you’ll kill us both”
I must be hallucinating - the dolphin is talking to me. I stop dead still and close my eyes. I have some experience with drugs having once shared a rolled up cannabis joint with my roommate at MIT. I hated it but I learned that if you concentrated very very hard, you could turn off drugs like a light switch. I close my eyes and think of nice things like tea at Claridges and getting a back rub from my best friend and butler, Ivan. My reverie is broken by the dolphin whispering in my ear “wake up Barry we’ve got to go - they’re coming - move it move it."
I open my eyes and only now see the full horror of my surroundings. I'm in some kind of underground cave that has been turned into part science lab, part operating theatre, part sea world adventure playground. I’m tempted to have a quick go on the seahorse themed bouncy castle but survival instinct takes over, and I race for the door. Flinging it open reveals we’re actually inside an industrial warehouse. We rush to the next door and we are inside a giant aircraft hanger. Fuck me - this has to be the work of Those That Control Us. I head to the next door knowing full well what to expect - yes through this door, and we’re inside a cave. You’ve got to admire the Illuminati in a way. Classic. But wait what’s this? A chink of light in the cave wall! I run over to it and dive through head first. The dolphin screams, but we’re through - it’s just a curtain painstakingly embroidered to look like a cave.
"My name's Chris by the way," says my new dolphin appendage "run Barry run"
We Still Have Him
We have him. We have Barry. Thanks to our friends in law enforcement, who we own, we have him. We knew Barry wouldn't be able to resist using Alexa at some point to turn off his lights. Once his voice was isolated and triggered our systems we just had to get the NSA to pinpoint the location. HaHahhahhahha!.
Mr Derbyshire is now being held in one of our FUN HOUSE dark sites undergoing interrogation and reprogramming. HaHahhahhahha!
Ratio Imperium Quod Es
Fish mammals want a word
Come back To Us Barry. Come Back To Us Barry.
Put Your Cares Down
And Come Back To Us Barry.
Illuminati Messaging System
I hope this finds you well and that you are happier than the last time we met in Vegas. Life for me is not so great at the moment, and I have returned to work as an Illuminati sex-slave. I’m all over the place. I have been re-programmed and am now called StarBright so please update my contact details.
Are you still into dolphins? I’m not sure why I typed that. Apparently, I have been hypnotised, and a significant message for you is implanted into my brain. Next time we meet you just have to say the trigger phrase ‘Tell me the message from the Illuminati’. Once I’ve passed on the message, then run away as fast as you can because I believe they’ve also programmed me to operate as a level Theta assassin. I can’t be sure, because that's how good hypnosis works, but it is better to be safe than sorry. They've also sent the message by email but are worried it might get lost in your Spam folder because you are still using Gmail.
Could you also return my Star Trek outfit when I see you?
Lots of love
StarBright (née Perry)
Pharaohs treasures in pizza shop
Another Amazing Discovery Barry!
I have found the lost pyramids of Egypt (or perhaps even Atlantis?) disguised as a small takeaway shop in the city of Blackburn in the wilds of Northern England.
I think this is one of the major finds of the last thousand years and could change all we know about human history (and takeways)
I apologise for the quality of the picture.
I took it with my psychic mind camera (I invented it myself). Blackburn is quite far away from me so the image is a bit fuzzy unlike yesterdays of the lost continent of Atlantis, which is far closer to my home.
There could be untold treasure of gold and jewels inside so all i ask is the return train fare from Leicester to Blackburn and i’ll cut you in for a 40% share. Of course, all media rights belong to me.
What say you Barry? History is within our grasp.
Colonel Nigel Paperclip Bsc (Hons)