In the following post you will read super secret knowledge that could put your very life in jeopardy. Proceed with caution and demagnetise your internet immediately after
This might come as a surprise to many of you but Planet Earth is not controlled by what we think of as our governments but by a super secret organisation made up of the world’s richest known as the Illuminati. Ever since I became a multi billionaire through lottery wins and funding hedges (you should see the one I built across India, it’s magnificent and has made me a mint) the Illuminati have been on at me to join up with them and help run the world. I’ve always resisted not cos i’ve any objection to a super secret organisation controlling the fate of the world but because I think the night shift at Taco Bell on 23010 Sunnymead Blvd, Moreno Valley, California 92553 could do a better job. But now the Illuminati have let me know (they sent me a note wrapped round a brick through my window last night after they realised i had awakened from my cryonic sleep ) that cos I know too many of their secrets i have to now join or die. Even though I have a super elite bodyguard unit staffed by ex members of the SAS, Green Berets, SEALs and Bridlington Miners Welfare Brass Band I’m worried. The Illuminati, though useless at running the world, are very good at killing in ingenious ways—one of their chosen victims spontaneously combusted on a London street after an Illuminatus used a special cell phone in his vicinity. So I’m going to go on the run for the next week or so and I need your help. the Illuminati have staked out all my mansions world wide so I need a place to lie low. Can one of you help? You may be thinking can my humble hovel couldn’t possibly play host to one of the world’s richest men. Well as long as it has 2 bedrooms (one for me and one for Ivan my butler) and a color TV and a place for my pet swans to graze ii should be all good. I have to steer clear of Arkansas as it is the Illuminati’s home base but anywhere else should be fine. I’ve helped literally none of you so it is time to pay back the favor. They’ll be a few bitcoins in it for you!