In A personal Place

Hi barry,

I have a very serious problem that I can hope you can help me with.

For years my apple farm (a little place just outside of Spokane, WA) has suffered from a plague of field mice but lately things have taken a more sinister turn.

I have discovered that the mice have moved into my wife’s forehead. This is very distressing to me as not only do I hear their incessant squeaking all night, but my beloved’s head has swelled up at the front like a peanut or actress Reece Witherspoon’s.

As you can imagine this is very alarming. I’m not sure if the mice are controlling my wife’s actions. I suspect they are, as many times I have woken in the morning to find her face covered in those mouse glue traps I bought at the local store.

I’ve tried to remedy the situation myself but the only way to tempt the mice out is to place little bits of cheese in my wife’s ear canal and grab the little critters when they pop out for a bite. But it has been a bad year for American apples and it’s getting to a point where I can’t afford money for cheese.

I also want to try for a baby with my wife but I’m worried that any child produced will be half man/half rodent, which may be good for the freakshow circuit but not so good for a farm specializing in pippins.

Please help me and send some cheese or even better a cow so I can produce cheese myself-as the old saying goes, ‘Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a day, set him on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life’

Please give generously.


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