Sack off China
Send me 3 years salary
Alright, la - hope this finds you well. My request for assistance may come as a surprise as I am someone who on the surface has everything a lad could want. I have a lovely wife, a fleet of cars, several houses and I've made love to some really attractive older birds - but it's all just empty and shallow. Even my wife is hollow, like.
I have been highly successful in my chosen career as a professional footballer and some would say that I have reached the pinnacle in my field - I am a global superstar, goal scoring centre forward for a top, top, top club and also my country. I get paid the same in a year as most people will earn in a lifetime - and that lifetime would have to include a lottery win, an unexpected inheritance from Uncle Bob in Australia and lucking out on the London property market.
So why do I need cash. Well everyone has to keep up appearances and although I’ve earned a big pile of dosh, I’ve spent it like a fish in a chip shop. Now I’m coming to the end of my career and it looks like my next contract will be my last and for much less than I’m used to. I could go to China but that is not an option for someone of my stature and poor linguistic skills- it would be embarrassing for me and my family, like . I just can’t do it, la. I’d look like a proper divvy. People will laugh and I hate that. I can't even pronounce the name of the club that wants to sign me and I’m not a big fan of their scran.
Could you just send me 3 years salary so I can sack off the China idea, stay put and maintain my current lifestyle. I'll sort you out with some tickets for a game or two and get the bevvies in. This is really getting me down, Barry, and I see you as my only hope. Go ‘ed lad sort me out with a few quid. It’s doing my head in, like.
Dave (not my real name)