13 seconds to save the World
I am Geoff, the destroyer of worlds. Not sure if you remember me. I begged a big pile of cash from you back in 2011 to build a time machine so I could travel into the future. My plan was to mooch around a bit, check out how things turn out for the human race and then report back, hopefully with good news.
Well I am sorry to say that it is not good news, Barry, not good at all. I haven’t managed to build a time machine that will take me further than 13 seconds into the future. It works but obviously 13 seconds isn’t much time for me to get back and let the world know what is going to happen. In fact, it takes me a good 15 -20 minutes to get out of my contraption, have a shower and by then whatever I’ve discovered is all over Twitter anyway.
I think it’s a power issue and the only solution would appear for me to build my own nuclear power facility - possibly 5 or 6 power stations all linked together to provide the necessary juice to get me far enough into the future to make a real difference.
I am close, Barry, so close. I’m also depressed and could do with a holiday.
Hope you can help
Geoff, the destroyer of worlds
I can tell by your profile picture that like me you are a man fond of gold and charity. I hope you will be able to help me in my golden charitable endeavours.
It really is for a good cause—athletes that have fallen on hard times. And dentistry.
As you know (or may not, after-all I don’t live inside your head) many top Olympians end up in the poorhouse or humiliating themselves after their careers have ended because of age or after having accidentally stood on needles containing performance enhancing drugs.
Jesse Owens had to race against horses for cash, Britain’s Olympic cyclist Sir Bradley Wiggins had his haircut sponsored by Cleethorpes’ Paul Weller fan club and Usain Bolt secretly acts as a human compass for the Himalayan Kingdom of Bhutan.
Don’t believe me? Check out the next time he does his arrow pose—he’s always pointing to magnetic north.
I want this to stop before we see the likes of 17 time gold winner swimmer Michael Phelps starring as a murderous Walrus on Game of Thrones (though that would be kinda of cool) so here’s my proposal;
You give me 79 million dollars so I can go round buying up Olympic champions’ gold medals. They get the cash and live lives free of humiliation, I get to keep the medals for my own use.
What use you ask? Well, I have always had problems with my teeth and need a full mouth replacement I’m going to melt all the medals down to make a set of dental implants.
I then plan to travel the world and allow anyone who asks to brush my golden grill, so both spreading the Olympic spirit of ‘can do’ and keeping my 24 carrat chiclets in good condition.
Please answer my proposal by sunrise.
PS4 and maybe iPad
Greetings Barry I hope you are well and good I live in a small village in Africa and I am proper bored. There really is nothing to do out here it is dull and shit. Me and my friends just have an old wheel and a stick to play with. Hoping you can send us a Playstation 4 system - one each preferably so we can play CoD Some way of generating electricity would be handy and a new bucket for my mother. And iPad for when we get wifi from Mark Zuckerberg.
Hi Barry - this is along shot and I'm not sure if you even like football but Arsene Wenger must go. If you could buy Arsenal Football club you could simultaneously lose a lot of your cash and replace the manager with someone who knows what they are doing maybe - Tony Pulis or Big Sam would be better.
True cost of removing evil
Have you ever wondered why we spent millions of billions removing an evil Arab dictor from power.
Yes I have wondered.
With current rolling news mess in our faces, first Egypt, then the other ones. These guys have been doing revolution for less than $1000 - the true cost of removing evil.
I won't mention Lybia or Siriah. Too expensive for my tastes.
Not billions millions. What does it cost. A Facebook account = free. twitter account also free. Maybe some photocopying $250.
Permanent markers. permanent martyrs LOL.
Sticks, stones < free on the sidewalk. maybe some gas for throwing. But whatever you say it don't cost American body bags no more.
I have an idea for an iPhone App - kind of quick start Arab dictor revolution swiss army knife app.
You can set up Facegroup, Twitter angry Arab groups with one click. set you budget, find nearest copy shop and more. Status updates of revolutions in progress would be nice.
Estimate $10000 for dev work.
App would be free download as I don't want to make money out of Arabs but would like to do my bit.
Awaiting your immediate response.