Dear Barry, I'm here to request help in a personal ambition of mine. The question is simple- Does money = Happiness? See this as a little experiment. Let me live like Barry for 1 month and it will answer all of my questions. I wanna buy a big house, own multiple cars, have any girl I desire and to pretty much buy everything possible. Let's say £1 million is enough to live like you for a few weeks? Make this happen Barry! Many people still think that money is the answer to happiness and I wanna find out the truth. Cheers Barry.
Send me 3 years salary
Alright, la - hope this finds you well. My request for assistance may come as a surprise as I am someone who on the surface has everything a lad could want. I have a lovely wife, a fleet of cars, several houses and I've made love to some really attractive older birds - but it's all just empty and shallow. Even my wife is hollow, like.
I have been highly successful in my chosen career as a professional footballer and some would say that I have reached the pinnacle in my field - I am a global superstar, goal scoring centre forward for a top, top, top club and also my country. I get paid the same in a year as most people will earn in a lifetime - and that lifetime would have to include a lottery win, an unexpected inheritance from Uncle Bob in Australia and lucking out on the London property market.
So why do I need cash. Well everyone has to keep up appearances and although I’ve earned a big pile of dosh, I’ve spent it like a fish in a chip shop. Now I’m coming to the end of my career and it looks like my next contract will be my last and for much less than I’m used to. I could go to China but that is not an option for someone of my stature and poor linguistic skills- it would be embarrassing for me and my family, like . I just can’t do it, la. I’d look like a proper divvy. People will laugh and I hate that. I can't even pronounce the name of the club that wants to sign me and I’m not a big fan of their scran.
Could you just send me 3 years salary so I can sack off the China idea, stay put and maintain my current lifestyle. I'll sort you out with some tickets for a game or two and get the bevvies in. This is really getting me down, Barry, and I see you as my only hope. Go ‘ed lad sort me out with a few quid. It’s doing my head in, like.
Dave (not my real name)
Need research funds
I have been conducting a series of experiments with self driving cars in South London. As i’m sure you’ll agree whoever cracks this will make untold billions supplying vehicles to the likes of Uber, Amazon and the major car makers.
Alas, my experiments so far have proved disastrous. This is mainly because instead of guiding the cars by a computer aided navigational system, I have been using the power of will alone.
Now, as anyone who knows me knows, I have an extremely strong will. But it has not strong been enough to stop my experiments from crashing into a) A lampost in Kennington, B) the lido at Brockwell Park and c) a a group of doggers on Clapham Common.
So I ask for you to invest some funds so I can design my own navigational technology. I’ve done some research and reckon I could get by with a TomTom Sat Nav, an old mop and a roll of knitting yarn. 400 quid should do it.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Terrorized by Glass
I write in desperation. You are my only hope. I think i am losing my mind!!!!!!!!
Ever since I can remember I have been stalked by a mystery figure who appears on any reflective glass surfaces in every house or place i lived or visited. Cars, stores, you name it, these figures appears!
I have no idea who this mystery figure is (i get so frightened i never look for longer than a milisecond) all i know is i get scared and lash out and have to smash the glass.
I am now live in a windowless apartment in Detroit, drink from stone beakers and have to wear chain mail gloves whenever i go out. I am at my wits end at what to do.
Please send a couple of million dollars so I can get to the bottom of this.
PS The terrorizer showed up on my ipad screen as i wrote this and I had to smash the shit out of it. So please add a thousand bucks to my total.
13 seconds to save the World
I am Geoff, the destroyer of worlds. Not sure if you remember me. I begged a big pile of cash from you back in 2011 to build a time machine so I could travel into the future. My plan was to mooch around a bit, check out how things turn out for the human race and then report back, hopefully with good news.
Well I am sorry to say that it is not good news, Barry, not good at all. I haven’t managed to build a time machine that will take me further than 13 seconds into the future. It works but obviously 13 seconds isn’t much time for me to get back and let the world know what is going to happen. In fact, it takes me a good 15 -20 minutes to get out of my contraption, have a shower and by then whatever I’ve discovered is all over Twitter anyway.
I think it’s a power issue and the only solution would appear for me to build my own nuclear power facility - possibly 5 or 6 power stations all linked together to provide the necessary juice to get me far enough into the future to make a real difference.
I am close, Barry, so close. I’m also depressed and could do with a holiday.
Hope you can help
Geoff, the destroyer of worlds