Illuminati Messaging System
I hope this finds you well and that you are happier than the last time we met in Vegas. Life for me is not so great at the moment, and I have returned to work as an Illuminati sex-slave. I’m all over the place. I have been re-programmed and am now called StarBright so please update my contact details.
Are you still into dolphins? I’m not sure why I typed that. Apparently, I have been hypnotised, and a significant message for you is implanted into my brain. Next time we meet you just have to say the trigger phrase ‘Tell me the message from the Illuminati’. Once I’ve passed on the message, then run away as fast as you can because I believe they’ve also programmed me to operate as a level Theta assassin. I can’t be sure, because that's how good hypnosis works, but it is better to be safe than sorry. They've also sent the message by email but are worried it might get lost in your Spam folder because you are still using Gmail.
Could you also return my Star Trek outfit when I see you?
Lots of love
StarBright (née Perry)
Pharaohs treasures in pizza shop
Another Amazing Discovery Barry!
I have found the lost pyramids of Egypt (or perhaps even Atlantis?) disguised as a small takeaway shop in the city of Blackburn in the wilds of Northern England.
I think this is one of the major finds of the last thousand years and could change all we know about human history (and takeways)
I apologise for the quality of the picture.
I took it with my psychic mind camera (I invented it myself). Blackburn is quite far away from me so the image is a bit fuzzy unlike yesterdays of the lost continent of Atlantis, which is far closer to my home.
There could be untold treasure of gold and jewels inside so all i ask is the return train fare from Leicester to Blackburn and i’ll cut you in for a 40% share. Of course, all media rights belong to me.
What say you Barry? History is within our grasp.
Colonel Nigel Paperclip Bsc (Hons)
I have discovered what thousands have failed to find
Hope you are keeping safe while on the run from the Illuminati.
I am writing to you to ask your help, but I think what i am proposing will help you also.
As you know the Illuminati started millions of years ago on the lost continent of Atlantis. Their power still derives from the powerful energy crystals they they brought with them from that mysterious land.
It is said if you possess one these Atlantean crystals no illuminati can harm you.
But I’m sure you must know all this being an educated man of taste and sophistication who has travelled this world and beyond.
I can now tell you that I have discovered the location of the lost continent of Atlantis.
Yes, you read that right. I have found Atlantis. An achievement that explorers, adventurers and at least 54 Discovery Channel prime time series' have failed to achieve.
And the best thing? It's not under miles of oceanic water or below billions of tons of rock. No, the mysterious land that has held man in its spell for aeons is hiding in plain site as the Atlantis Fish Bar, Uppingham Rd, Leicester, England. The brazenness of it all!
My plan is this, infiltrate Atlantis, liberate the energy crystals and get one to you so the Illuminati will be off your back. I would of course keep all media rights.
It's not going to be easy as well you know these Atlantean Illuminati types play for keeps. The danger will be intense.
I need £2.50 so I can enter the continent for the lunchtime Fishcake & Chips special. I’d go later but my bus home stops running at 5PM and I think it doesn’t open till 5.30 at night.
Send the money as soon as possible and let me help end your life on the run.
Dr Nigel Paperclip Ba (Hons)
TURN YOURSELF IN BARRY
I am sorry things have turned out this way and you have rejected your chance to join the Illuminati. Be warned, we will hunt you down because our reputation is at stake and also a few of us really enjoy hunting.
There is still time to stop this and I am begging you to turn yourself in before anybody else called Barry gets hurt.
You can surrender at any branch of WHSmith’s or any outlet displaying the PayPoint sign.
Warmest regards and season's greetings
The Illuminati - High Street Operations Division. Closed Christmas Day and Boxing Day.
Dear Barry mate,
I need to ask a favour. A small one, not much cash involved.
My wife has left me because of our new fridge freezer. It’s one of those so called ‘smart’ ones and she came home to find me wanking off in front of it. Myself, I can’t see the problem—i crack one out in front of all my other internet connected devices so why should this be any different?
Who cares if it hasn't got a screen and I can't even see porn. It's connected to the internet so that's what it's for right?
But she won’t come back till i buy a new old fashioned fridge (if that makes any sense) and get rid of the old one.
Now I can afford to get a hotpoint from argos but am struggling with the ten quid disposal fee. So if you give us a tenner it would sort this mess out. I think it will be cheaper than a divorce.