TURN YOURSELF IN BARRY
I am sorry things have turned out this way and you have rejected your chance to join the Illuminati. Be warned, we will hunt you down because our reputation is at stake and also a few of us really enjoy hunting.
There is still time to stop this and I am begging you to turn yourself in before anybody else called Barry gets hurt.
You can surrender at any branch of WHSmith’s or any outlet displaying the PayPoint sign.
Warmest regards and season's greetings
The Illuminati - High Street Operations Division. Closed Christmas Day and Boxing Day.
Dear Barry mate,
I need to ask a favour. A small one, not much cash involved.
My wife has left me because of our new fridge freezer. It’s one of those so called ‘smart’ ones and she came home to find me wanking off in front of it. Myself, I can’t see the problem—i crack one out in front of all my other internet connected devices so why should this be any different?
Who cares if it hasn't got a screen and I can't even see porn. It's connected to the internet so that's what it's for right?
But she won’t come back till i buy a new old fashioned fridge (if that makes any sense) and get rid of the old one.
Now I can afford to get a hotpoint from argos but am struggling with the ten quid disposal fee. So if you give us a tenner it would sort this mess out. I think it will be cheaper than a divorce.
Greetings from the beautiful state of Nebraska! Go corn Huskers Go!
I am what you might term a ‘cat lady’. I know it is meant as an unkind term, but I cannot deny the truth of it—i am a lady who is into cats. In fact some might say my feline affection goes too far. My Ex-Husband Bob thought so when he came home early from his manager’s job at the Dairy Queen in Lincoln and caught me in bed having ‘relations’ with a ginger tom and a tawny tabby I’d picked up from the pet rescue.
I’ve since stopped my alley catting ways (plus the pet rescue took out a restraining order) and am now ready to settle down with a handsome Burmese cat, Mr Binky I found living in a dumpster. Trouble is in the United States human cat marriage is not legal. So I need a couple of million to lobby my local congressman to try and get a law passed in Washington. Please help love find a way, Barry.
If you don’t help. GO F*CK YOURSELF!
Heya Barry. I have some terrible news that is just so embarrassing! It can't be true I thought but having watched it back on my computer I can't hide the fact that I can't clap! Apparently I am part human and part dolphin. I'm depressed Barry. The only fix is specialist hypnotherapy and it costs a bomb. I'm not sure I have enough money for therapy and cope with the emotional trauma is too much. I was told it will cost a few million to fully cure me. Until then I can't be seen in any social environment for the fear of clapping is too much. Help a damsel in distress. I know you will x
I can't understand to be honest
Evening Barry, You will know exactly who I am but you can call me JB. I am a football legend currently playing for a top top team in the PL! I'm probably the greatest player to ever live. And yet people don't appreciate my skills and dedication! People just don't know class when they see it. My record speaks for itself, I've played for the biggest clubs in Europe and represented my country one time. I'm better than "Golden Balls" any day. But I am constantly hated wherever I go! I just can't understand it Barry. I get the feeling people will be glad to see me move on. Drop us a few million and I'll be on a plane out of here for sure. Come on big man this is doing my head in. Much love Joey B.