Keen hobbyists are ruining the business
I am Ralph, King of the Beggars,
I have begged this laptop to issue you with a cease and desist order on behalf of real world beggars everywhere.
I have begged around the world, I have begged my way into things, begged my way out of things, begged on my knees, begged at gunpoint, I've even begged a banana from the Sultan of Brunei. I'm the best there is.
I'm wearing one of Michael Jackson's stage outfits that I begged on very productive begging holiday in Los Angeles.
You see, Barry, begging is an art, a beautiful game, practiced by dedicated and highly motivated professionals not something to mess with.
I am concerned that your begging site opens up begging to keen hobbyist beggars, amateurs with no idea about the art. This web based begging is bad for the begging business and I fear will lead to declining begging standards.
I am begging you Barry please take this site down now before you ruin begging for all honest beggars everywhere and the true art of begging is lost for future generations.
Ralph, King of The beggars
Last Chance For Free Copy of 'Barry's End' on Amazon Kindle Store
My name is Thorn. I'm the cop that proved that Soylent Green is made out of people. I'm also a big fan of your books but the recent instalment regarding your time travelling abilities made me question your authenticity. I felt embarrassed that I had mentioned your work to friends and even recommended one of your books to my book club. We meet on the 2nd Tuesday of every month, and I have been dreading turning up on the 10th because I am certain I will face ridicule.
In my desperation to prove that you and Chris are real and that you really can travel back in time and hang out with Hitler, I have watched every documentary ever made about the evil Nazi tyrant frame by freakin' frame using the pause button on my Tivo remote and thank God I finally found you!
Here is a screenshot from 'Hitler: The Architect of Doom' that first aired on The History Channel in 1997. It famously shows Hitler in a crowd in front of the Munich Feldherrenhalle waving his hat to cheer the outbreak of the Great War. What most historians have failed to notice is the man in the white hat with a dolphin attached to his back. But there you are Barry. You and Chris as clear as day. Proof not only that you and Chris exist but also that time travel is very fucking real.
Can't wait for Tuesday now.
All the best
Calling all agents of the Illuminati, assassins, mercenaries, bounty hunters and proprietors of PayPoint outlets - we have a CCTV image of Mr Barry Derbyshire taken this morning at a SPAR convenience store on the Croydon Road. We know it is him. Find him. Kill him. Then bring him to us so we can hang him on the wall of the office. You can keep Chris and eat him.
All the best
Peter is a small horse
Hope you are having a good day and the Illuminati haven't caught you yet. I'm a big fan of your books and have been following your plight with interest.
You see I was also asked to join the Illuminati and refused. At that time I was working on high-level USA/CIA government projects/plots the exact nature of which I can no longer remember. Or don't want to remember. I believe I was abducted and tortured and when I awoke the evil bastards had attached a unicorn to my back. At least I thought it was a unicorn. It turned out that my companion is a small white pony called Peter. The horn bit that made me believe he was a unicorn was, in fact, fake - put there as a joke to freak me out by my tormentors.
Since then I too have been on a quest to uncover the truth. Unfortunately, Peter has turned to drink and is a real hindrance, so I have put my search for answers on hold until Peter sorts his head out. I probably should have let him believe he was a unicorn.
I can, however, offer you some advice which may help you and Chris.
- Some people aren't real. Up to about 35% of the general population we encounter in our daily lives are actors.
- Roughly 5% of the above mentioned 35% are highly advanced AI robot/human hybrids and can run very fast and are very, very clever.
- I believe that up to 72% of what we see is a hologram and we have been born into a system that has nothing to do with reality and is, in fact, a form of slavery.
- Stay away from shops displaying the PayPoint sign. They are all traps, and most of the snacks on sale are dangerously out of date.
- The Nazis fled to America at the end of WWII and secretly took over the country with their friends the Communists - they're all in it together, Barry. Once the fascists, the commies, and the Illuminati joined forces that was it. GAME OVER for humanity. The world we live in now is an illusion, carefully constructed by the Illuminati to hide this fact and to keep themselves, and their totalitarian bum chums in charge. Just because they've done some good stuff like satellite TV and cheap burgers doesn't mean we should let them get away with it.
Do not fail Barry. Find them. Find the ones that did this to us and save the world.