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Farming Disaster

the road to hell...

Farming Disaster

Woke up the other day and realized that I’d been going about giving my fortune away all wrong.

Instead of spending the next 77 years wading through the begs trying to make the world a better place I should try and give massive chunks away at once.

At first I considered punting a few million to charities that work overseas but thought they probably had enough white Toyota Land Cruisers to be going on with. But then it hit me-I should convert a muck spreader so that instead of spreading manure it would pelt out pound coins to the poor.

I quickly set my butler, Ivan to work and within a day or two we were ready to go. Usually it would take months but that’s what money buys you-time. And tricked out muck spreaders.

It was all looking good, but then we hit a snag. Ivan, reverting to his Russian revolutionary principles, had loaded the 2 million quids worth of pound coins with the Queen’s head facing down.

Now I’m not a royalist by any means-my Lamborghini Countach has a bumper sticker of Oliver Cromwell riding a King Charles spaniel-but I knew in my heart of hearts that it was disrespectful to have the old Lizzie’s noggin facing the wrong way.

After all she’d bravely stayed in London during the war to face the Germans while my shirking grandfather had left his family at home and ran off to North Africa, Italy and the beaches of Normandy.

So I instructed Ivan to cease his communist ways and to make sure all of them were facing upwards. He estimated this would take another 48 hours, so I took the chance to hop in the ‘copter and hit the tables down in Monte Carlo.

It was a great trip, I only lost $200,000, though I did get into a fight with the singer Mick Hucknall about which was deeper man made navigation channel, the Manchester Ship Canal or the St Lawrence Seaway. He was for the St Lawrence.

Fisticuffs ensued which left him bald and me with a new ginger party wig.

By the time I got back the coins were facing the correct way and Ivan said all was ready for the distribution. I don’t mind admitting I was excited. Here I was about to get rid of nearly 2 million pounds in a fair and democratic manner.

This was going to be a great day for a great many people.

I couldn’t have envisioned how badly wrong it would turn out. Ivan had set the muck spreader to ‘extreme’ so as soon as we switched it on, by the local sheep farm, pound coins began spraying out like one of those ultra fast machine guns you get on helicopters.

I won’t go into the gory details but if you ever meet Jason & his Argonauts, tell them to stop sailing aimlessly around fighting skeletons and that the golden fleece, no make that a flock of fleeces are located near my country mansion.

We made a speedy escape, OK we trundled off at around 5 mile an hour, and it was back to the drawing board. Will i ever be rid of my fortune

SAVING THE RAIN FOREST

Tribal Rescue

SAVING THE RAIN FOREST

Heard on the radio about the discovery of the Amazonian tribe that has no concept of time and it brought back some painful memories of when I tried to do good but so nearly did wrong.

A couple of years back I had the bright idea of bringing over some of these neglected Brazilian forest dwellers to live on my vast estate snuggled in the most exclusive part of the Chilterns and giving them the life they deserved.

I didn’t have the first clue on how to go about this but money sure does buy you a lot of things and after a few phone calls and a lot of bribes I soon employed a character known as ‘Mombasa Bob’ who was famed for his people skills, or to be more precise, his people catching skills.

His preferred method was to use a net like the monkeys used in Planet Of The Apes, in fact I think he actually bought the one he was using off Charlton Heston.

 

I paid him a lot of money and off he went to Brazil, his eyes bright with zeal for my mission of mercy.

6 months later, mid-december and Bob, wearing a leather conquistador helmet with a blue parrot feather jauntily affixed to the side, turns up at the gate of my estate driving a container lorry, looking absolutely knackered.

To tell the truth I’d totally forgotten I’d even hired him. He popped open the rear doors, jumped out of the cab and motioned for me to come and have a look into the dark interior.

What I saw made my blood run cold, here were the tribe all 20 of them backed into the furthest corner of the container, shivering, looks of despondency flickering across their noble Amerindian faces.

I asked Bob what happened and he confessed that had to burn down their local forest to flush them out into his net. “It took me about two weeks” He said, “And the Rio papers said the smoke from the blaze closed airports across the amazon basin. It was a right horror show”

He also informed me that the Brazilian police were on his trail and that I should keep the tribe out of sight.

A CHANCE TO SAVE OUR PLANET

now is the time to act!

A CHANCE TO SAVE OUR PLANET

Dear Barry,

As you are no doubt aware we live in a world that is increasingly beset by environmental problems.

Climate change, crop failure and the ever dwindling carbon based fuel resources show that we are in a lot of trouble and that if we don’t do something soon future generations will be doomed to live with our inaction.

In my own way I had been trying to ‘do my bit’ to help forestall this calamity that faces us.

I switched off my lights when I drove at night, only made essential toilet trips and carry home my groceries in a shopping bag made of hemp and spider’s webs.

But it still felt like I wasn’t doing enough.

Then I hit on a way to make myself totally self-sufficient, a method where I can meet all my energy needs without having to rely on the government grid, and maybe, just maybe give the world a new energy source.

I designed a working prototype myself (I was engineer James Watt in a previous life) and pleased with the results, I installed one for the neighbor’s either side of me.

They both worked perfectly and the neighbors were ecstatic with the results. (Though both are addicted to ecstasy so that could have been their normal state).

The only problem is fuel.

My device is powered by a product and method that is repellent and offensive to many-it runs on the blood of kittens.

At first securing a supply wasn’t a problem-I live with my mum and she is the prototype ‘crazy cat lady’, so I had enough fuel for my experiments.

But soon my mother’s supply ran out and I had to resort to scanning the local craiglist for kittens being given away.

I’m proud to say that even though tempted I never stole any of the neighborhood kittens, though I did find myself at the local canal hoping someone would turn up with a bag of the squirming creatures.

Anyways, I’ve rambled on enough.

What I need is funds to start my own kitten farm.

I envision acres and acres of kittens hooked up to machines providing blood to fuel my machines. This would be more humane than the present method as they would be kept alive rather than having to be killed.

So come on Barry, give generously and let’s save this planet!

Yours truly,

Mr Jonathan Felixstowe

 

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS???!!!

Please please help

Dear Barry

I am at the end of my tether, something terrible has happened and I need your help.

The other day a delivery man accidently dropped off a neighbors package at my door.

I’m ashamed to admit this but I opened the package and found a mysterious glass fronted black box inside. It had a plug, so I plugged it in the corner and then all hell broke loose.

A strange man appeared in the box and started talking really, really, really fast.

I nearly shat meself and ran upstairs and hid in a wardrobe. I haven’t been down there since except to take a picture of what I believe is a psychic invasion like that one through the fridge in Ghostbusters.

Have a look at it and see what you think? Frightening isn’t to think such a creature is loose in our world?

If you could send me some money or even better hire an army of psychic investigators to come round my house we can stop what could be the end of our world.

Yours trembling like a leaf being shook in a washing machine in a richter scale 6 earthquake in a country being wobbled by a giant with hands as big as the earth

Wade

PS We should check out my neighbor-he is probably an inter-dimensional demon