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Some People!

Found myself at the Mall picking up some new Bose sound docks after Big Dave said I’d bought inferior ones. 

After my purchases I had a look around the mall-there were lots of kids with excited looks on their faces taking in the amazing range of gear they had in Toys R Us.

It brought back memories of my own childhood-we weren’t poor but they wasn’t much money for holiday season gifts. But it made me determined to make my fortune and now I have, through hard work and a large pie flavored slice of luck I’m wealthier than I could ever imagine.


But what good money if it can’t bring others happiness? It’s just paper, or exclusive plastic or gold or shares in amazingly successful companies. 

So you know what I did? It was a stupid spur of the moment decision but I grabbed a store assistant and told her to announce over the tannoy that I’d buy every kid in the store a present as long as it was under 100 dollars.

She thought I was crazy till I showed her my wallet stuffed full of 50s! But it all went sour when she asked if I was a sex fiddler and then she said it was against the safety rules and they wouldn’t do it in case there was a riot! What is wrong with people these days??? I can’t even give my money away!!!


Giving goes a long way


I am rich. Filthy stinking rich. I have a beachfront home in Malibu, an apartment in New York and a country estate in England. I travel first class and dine in the finest restaurants. I appear to have everything but in reality I’m miserable. My life is shallow, empty, soulless, and lonely. I’ll explain more over the coming weeks but all you need to know for now is that I’m giving away my fortune. I can’t stand it anymore, its got to go. All you have to do is tell me how much you want and what you're going to do with it. I can’t guarantee I’ll give money to everyone, but if I think you deserve a share then I’ll help wherever I can.



They say money can’t buy you love and unfortunately I know this to be true.

It’s a lonely life at the top and sometimes I wish I had someone to share my shopping trips or vacations on gorgeous private islands. 

But I haven’t and I don’t think I ever will. I just never seem to meet the right girl. Just a successions of ‘Nearlys’. 

Maybe if my dream comes true and I give my fortune away then I’ll meet someone who takes me for who I am - a genius software engineer who was once wealthier beyond most people’s dreams. 

Sorry to be so personal but its times like this, Christmas, Hannakah, Eid, Diwali, Kwaanza and Festivus, that I feel the need for companionship and someone to snuggle with under the mistletoe, shalwar kameez, 7 candle thingymajig.

Look after your loves



obesity fix


Ironic really that that so many poor people are fat. I pondered this thought as I wandered through my newly acquired stately home in the beautiful Oxfordshire countryside. My interior designer, Roger, was working out how to get rid of some of the original features without upsetting the English Heritage people as we strolled around the vast interior. Roger isn’t fat and he’s quite rich too. Of course it wasn’t always this way. You only have to watch a BBC television costume drama to see that it used to be the other way around. Poor people were skinny in those days and the landed gentry were the fat ones. How times have changed. Nothing marks you out as a lazy pauper than a bit of obesity. I think it is down to bad diet and a lack of exercise. Africans aren’t fat and they don’t have much cash but they are out and about all day carrying buckets.


big money misery


Saw that Tuesday night’s jackpot euro lottery ticket-a fairly reasonable amount of $260 million dollars-went to one winner in England.

I say good luck to whoever has had the misfortune to strike it rich-it brings nothing but misery.

Look at me, nothing to keep me warm at night except the 100 dollar bills I throw on the fire.

No-one to love me except women who are more interested in the material things in life than the spiritual.

That’s why I’m giving it all away and when the last penny is gone I’ll become a hermit who lives in a house made of seashells far away from civilization.

So I say to whoever has won (their identity isn’t known yet) good luck, you’ll need it.




Turns out the mystery lottery winner is me!

I was going though my pockets and just found the ticket with the jackpot numbers on. I accidently bought it when I was buying a packet of cigarettes in the local costcutters the other day (something I usually get Ivan my butler to do but I’d given the day off to go to see to problems with his import export business).

I wondered why when I asked for a pack of ‘Lucky Strikes’ the server gave me a pack of Marlboro golds and a strange looking receipt-he thought I was asking for a ‘Lucky dip’ on the lottery!

Now I have another 260 million dollars to go on the millions I already have and don’t want. What will I do now?!!!!!



Thank G-d-it turns out i haven't won the lottery at all. The numbers had got smudged against the Faberge egg i always carry in my pocket. What a lucky escape, but i'm still left with the problem of getting rid of the rest of my millions.