I am Ralph, King of the Beggars,

I have begged this laptop to issue you with a cease and desist order on behalf of real world beggars everywhere.

I have begged around the world, I have begged my way into things, begged my way out of things, begged on my knees, begged at gunpoint, I've even begged a banana from the Sultan of Brunei. I'm the best there is.

I'm wearing one of Michael Jackson's stage outfits that I begged on very productive begging holiday in Los Angeles.

You see, Barry, begging is an art, a beautiful game, practiced by dedicated and highly motivated professionals not something to mess with.

I am concerned that your begging site opens up begging to keen hobbyist beggars, amateurs with no idea about the art. This web based begging is bad for the begging business and I fear will lead to declining begging standards.

I am begging you Barry please take this site down now before you ruin begging for all honest beggars everywhere and the true art of begging is lost for future generations.

Ralph, King of The beggars

Alright Barry,

I’ll have to be quick-I’m off down the shops but i thought i'd drop you a line and let you know that aliens have kidnapped my baby.

The CCTV at my house captured the aliens during the snatch so if you could get one of your millionaires friends or use your software expertise to track down the extra terrestrials that’s be great. They also took a pet rat.

Don’t be too quick tho, I’m saving a fortune on diapers and baby food. Two weeks should be a good time for me to get her back.

They can keep the pet rat in the spirit of intergalactic friendship.

Nice one,

Thereza

Dear barry -

it is a while since you last sent me money but alas I require your services again.

The last time you sent me $£10000 to sort out my gambling debts which was much appreciated but as I arrived at the bookies to pay, my phone rang and it was my mate Rich Dave with a dead cert tip for the 2-30.

As it was nearly 2-30 I didn't have much time and Rich Dave is called Rich Dave for a reason - so I put the whole damn lot on. Well not all of it as I'd been in the boozer for 3 days.

Anyway, my thinking was that when the nag came in I'd be able to pay everything off and have a bit left for meself like.

I now owe £15000 and Rich Dave wants it immediately.

He has already broken my fingers so excuse and spelin miustkes as IU am typping wuthjh my nose whilsst drrunk]

Can you help?

Cheers Barry

[I am also a Barry]

Hello Barry,

Hope you can help me.

A witch has turned my children into stone and they now languish at the local pederast crossing.

I've included a pic of their terrible state.

I need money to get a wizard to lift the curse.

He is quoting 6000 Euros and a set of continental all weather tyres.

Please help

Miriam

Barry,

I wrote to you recently about my sighting of Stalin on the moon.

You chose to ignore my warnings and now the situation is even worse.

last night I was staring at the moon and i saw this painted on it. i'm sure you know who it is but in case living in your billionaire bubble has isolated you from history i will tell you who it is. ADOLF HITLER!!!!!

I'm not sure who grafittied the image of the architect of Blitzkrieg and the Korean War-aliens? Space Nazis from the future? Banksy with a special laser etcher?

But to have this monstrous image painted on the moon two days after Stalin's appearance is disturbing to say the least.

This is your last chance to help me with some new photo gear or I will be passing my findings on to NASA.

Good day (OR IS IT???!!!)