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OPTICAL OPERATION

peepers please

Barry,

 there's no one in my life who is trustworthy so i need to pay to have a pair of eyes grafted onto the back of my head.

around 51 hundred should do

dankie schon

Celestine Adebeyor

FUND MY PRIVATE ARMY FOR REVENGE MISSION

Money for War

FUND MY PRIVATE ARMY FOR REVENGE MISSION

My Dearest Friend Barry

I am writing to request funding for my war on the Japanese.

The Japs need a good kicking and I'm the man to do it, but I need your help. If only we'd wiped them out when we had the chance then I wouldn't have to look at their snarly little faces everywhere I go.

Wars cost lots of money and I have very little.

This isn't a race thing, my hatred goes back years when I suffered terrible privations in Burma. I only escaped with my sanity and health in tact because of a combination of good luck and my own will to live.

You see, back in 1957 I worked as an extra on the movie Bridge on the River Kwai, staring Alec Guinness and directed by David Lean. I only had a small role and no lines although my agent had promised me a speaking part. Bastard.

Conditions during filming were awful, with long periods of boredom while the crew set up shots. Sessue Hayakawa, who played Colonel Saito in the movie constantly teased me, promising me he'd speak to David Lean about getting me the role I believed my ability deserved. But he never did.

Hayakawa was just toying with me for his own amusement. One day I was in the location catering van, getting my third helping of a fine Sunday roast, when I overheard, Hayakawa, Lean and William Holden sniggering about my acting ability. That really was the final straw. Although I didn't say anything at the time I vowed that when I returned to England and the safety of the theatre I would get my revenge.

To tell you the truth, I can't look at a Jap without remembering the unbelievable cruelty I suffered at the hands of Hayakawa. If the movie ever comes on the TV I only have to hear that infernal bloody theme music and I have to scream and scream and scream as I am taken back to those terrible times.

Barry send me about £1million so I can raise a private army to destroy the Nips once and for all. I will start by driving the tourist Japs from SoHo.

Got to go, I have a performance to do, any help gladly accepted.

Kind regards Edward Melon - Bootye

PHOTOGRAPHY TOO IMPORTANT TO IGNORE

but you will

PHOTOGRAPHY TOO IMPORTANT TO IGNORE

Barry,

You’ve ignored my last two pictures of the lunar events. But you won’t ignore this one though will you?

I don’t know what it means but I have a theory-I believe that Chairman Mao, the genius behind the Manhatten Project, joined Stalin to fight Hitler off the moon.

Finding they couldn’t beat him in low gravity combat, the two called upon holder of the secrets of the ark and three times Oscala, FL Crazy Golf champion, Indiana Jones to deliver the knock out blow.

Indiana obliged and what we see now is like the end of Return Of the Jedi-our saviours smiling down on us.

Let’s hope this is an end to the saga.

LOSING MY RELIGION

Literally

LOSING MY RELIGION

Hi Barry,

I lead a cult down here in South America and lately my devotees have been slipping quietly away from the compound at night and disappearing into the jungle.

So, I’m asking you to send money so that I can electrify the fence around our camp to prevent any more desertions.

It shouldn’t take more than a couple of hundred dollars which for a man of your resources is nothing.

Yours in salutations

Sun Fuhrer Max

CASH FOR REPAIR

my gas one has gone

Hello barry,

My cooker has broken down and needs repairing.

The repairman says it will cost nearly as much to repair as buying a new one. repair.

what he doesn't know is that i was faking it was broke. it doesn't need repairing-i removed the gas line from the back so the repairman would visit to repair and so i could watch him repair. repair.

Thanks