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evil shoes


Dear Barry,

I have an urgent funding request.

I need 6 million dollars so I can start a worldwide campaign to abolish the worldwide plague on humanity that are buckles on shoes.

Invented by notorious Elizabethan necromancer John Dee, who designed them when his left foot became possessed after a Halloween ritual went awry, no good has ever come from the placement of the buckle (or the devil’s fasteners as I call them) on footwear.

They are simply cursed.

For example, look what happened to the Indians after they encountered the buckle booted puritans. Or the victims of pirates forever crushed beneath the clasp locked footwear of long-haired privateers.

Over the centuries many notable people have tried to warn us of the dangers of buckle, but such is its evil that it could only be referred to obliquely or through nonsense rhymes.

Take the children’s nursery rhyme ‘Buckle My Shoe’

‘One, two Buckle my shoe

Three, four, Knock at my door

This originally read,

“One, two, Buckle on my shoe,

Three, four, It opens Satan’s door.

Need more proof? Well if you send me the money I will tell you the knowledge that has shaken men’s souls to their very core and the buckles off their boots.

Together if we try very hard, we can rid the world of this insanity in one great big boiling vat of molten buckle fat.

Yours truly,

Jans Skoenveter

PS belt buckles and buckles on bags are to my knowledge safe.




Dear Barry

I need cash for help with legal bills for my urination problem.

It all started a while back. I was in the line for the ATM on a busy Saturday.

There were 3, maybe 4 people in front and by the time I got to the machine there must have been 6 or 7 more behind me. The thing is , when it was my turn, instead of getting out my card and putting it in the ATM I pulled out my penis and urinated all over the wall and the machine.

I have no idea why I did this but it was like an out of body experience.

It was like I was floating above looking down on this freak urinating over the ATM or like watching a movie or something. The fat fucks behind me were screamin and shoutin and it was mayhem.

I ran off and when I got home I laughed and laughed. I decided I liked it and the public shock I had caused. From that point on I couldn’t go to an ATM without urinating.

It got so bad I was deliberately drinking pints and pints of water until I was fit to burst and then heading out to satisfy my new found perversion.

Eventually I was apprehended by a crowd of angry ATM users who held me down until the cops came.

I now face a hefty fine and compensation claims from angry San Diego residents, not to mention the banks. The Legal bill is going to be big - please help so I don’t go bust.

I would also like to purchase my own ATM machine and install it at home in the bathroom.

Earwyn Banning Jnr



peepers please


 there's no one in my life who is trustworthy so i need to pay to have a pair of eyes grafted onto the back of my head.

around 51 hundred should do

dankie schon

Celestine Adebeyor


Money for War


My Dearest Friend Barry

I am writing to request funding for my war on the Japanese.

The Japs need a good kicking and I'm the man to do it, but I need your help. If only we'd wiped them out when we had the chance then I wouldn't have to look at their snarly little faces everywhere I go.

Wars cost lots of money and I have very little.

This isn't a race thing, my hatred goes back years when I suffered terrible privations in Burma. I only escaped with my sanity and health in tact because of a combination of good luck and my own will to live.

You see, back in 1957 I worked as an extra on the movie Bridge on the River Kwai, staring Alec Guinness and directed by David Lean. I only had a small role and no lines although my agent had promised me a speaking part. Bastard.

Conditions during filming were awful, with long periods of boredom while the crew set up shots. Sessue Hayakawa, who played Colonel Saito in the movie constantly teased me, promising me he'd speak to David Lean about getting me the role I believed my ability deserved. But he never did.

Hayakawa was just toying with me for his own amusement. One day I was in the location catering van, getting my third helping of a fine Sunday roast, when I overheard, Hayakawa, Lean and William Holden sniggering about my acting ability. That really was the final straw. Although I didn't say anything at the time I vowed that when I returned to England and the safety of the theatre I would get my revenge.

To tell you the truth, I can't look at a Jap without remembering the unbelievable cruelty I suffered at the hands of Hayakawa. If the movie ever comes on the TV I only have to hear that infernal bloody theme music and I have to scream and scream and scream as I am taken back to those terrible times.

Barry send me about £1million so I can raise a private army to destroy the Nips once and for all. I will start by driving the tourist Japs from SoHo.

Got to go, I have a performance to do, any help gladly accepted.

Kind regards Edward Melon - Bootye


but you will



You’ve ignored my last two pictures of the lunar events. But you won’t ignore this one though will you?

I don’t know what it means but I have a theory-I believe that Chairman Mao, the genius behind the Manhatten Project, joined Stalin to fight Hitler off the moon.

Finding they couldn’t beat him in low gravity combat, the two called upon holder of the secrets of the ark and three times Oscala, FL Crazy Golf champion, Indiana Jones to deliver the knock out blow.

Indiana obliged and what we see now is like the end of Return Of the Jedi-our saviours smiling down on us.

Let’s hope this is an end to the saga.

BEG BARRY - miserable millionaire giving away his money - currently a fugitive on the run from the Illuminati | copyright Barry Derbyshire 2022 | email: - Barry Derbyshire