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In A personal Place

Hi barry,

I have a very serious problem that I can hope you can help me with.

For years my apple farm (a little place just outside of Spokane, WA) has suffered from a plague of field mice but lately things have taken a more sinister turn.

I have discovered that the mice have moved into my wife’s forehead. This is very distressing to me as not only do I hear their incessant squeaking all night, but my beloved’s head has swelled up at the front like a peanut or actress Reece Witherspoon’s.

As you can imagine this is very alarming. I’m not sure if the mice are controlling my wife’s actions. I suspect they are, as many times I have woken in the morning to find her face covered in those mouse glue traps I bought at the local store.

I’ve tried to remedy the situation myself but the only way to tempt the mice out is to place little bits of cheese in my wife’s ear canal and grab the little critters when they pop out for a bite. But it has been a bad year for American apples and it’s getting to a point where I can’t afford money for cheese.

I also want to try for a baby with my wife but I’m worried that any child produced will be half man/half rodent, which may be good for the freakshow circuit but not so good for a farm specializing in pippins.

Please help me and send some cheese or even better a cow so I can produce cheese myself-as the old saying goes, ‘Give a man a fire and he will be warm for a day, set him on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life’

Please give generously.



To be happy is all I want - why am I doing this?


Read an interesting story the other day when I was in Boston finalizing a deal to build a giant tea pot in the harbour. 

It was about a group of people, some from MIT and Harvard, who’ve come up with a foolproof way to win the lottery-the only catch being you need 600,000 dollars to invest. 

But they reckon they’ve won nearly 2 million dollars already.

 I’d say good luck to them, but from my own bitter personal experience I know that money only brings misery. 

A luxurious, wrapped in the finest furs, sipping 100 year old cognac while living in a house so high tech that the local yokels think it has been sent from the future and is inhabited by a time travelling chrononaut called 'Mr Barry' misery, but misery all the same.

Anyway have a read. 





the high wire

Hi Barry,

This isn’t a beg more of a business proposal and if all goes to plan we can make a lotta of money!

But first a bit of background. I’m a trained trapeze artist with years of experience but the safety net has been torn to shreds in the circus market and I’m now looking to expand into tightrope walking.

I need to create a big splash so I can secure lucrative TV contracts/Gigs with various circuses/A show in Vegas (preferably the Wynn), so I figure a massive televised event, like David Blaine or David Copperfield do would be just the ticket.

Obviously no self respecting TV exec/Casino boss will take a chance on an unknown like me but if I bring an event to them, so big, so fantastically big, I KNOW they will have to take notice and sign me up.

So this is the plan. Prepare yourself because it’s a winner. Something that will have my name in lights for all time and you can be a part of it if want. You can


guaranteed money making machine uses no power and works anywhere

Dear Mister Barry

I am not here to beg. I have a business proposition that will shake the earth and its ruling elite. It is guaranteed money making machine that will alter the world. WE need to act now as the American military machine is finalising the development of robot cannon fodder and war is assured. I should know as I was in the British Army and have seen prototypes on the battlefield. The reason being I lost part of my head and both ears in Kosovo and I was carried to safety by an undocumented MedicDrone.

Like I said, I am not here to beg I do that in the real world outside Gateshead Metro station with no luck and lots of abuse. Where will your internet and web + email be once war starts?. Even banking sites and sites that are no good will not function as expected.

Yes. I have developed a standalone web alternative that can exist outside war. The internet was originally developed by unnamed American Army personnel in 1953. A way of keeping in touch with childhood sweethearts and for the grooming of new ones. In wave after wave of nuclear attack you would know if your wife or baby was burnt to cinders and you use that bloodlust for new ideas and tricks for future battles. Like Japs in WW2 everything burns even handheld web devices like blackberry. I’ve not tested the iPhone but I suspect these are useless in armageddon.

So what now. Even in underdeveloped war torn regions like the borderless counties of Pakistan where web and email is under used. Without war my system is even useful to these people to get online with ebay, amazon and such like. My web uses NO power, NO Cables, NO elect-robes, No brain chips. I use a system of wheels and pulleys, cogs and clock parts help but wood is no good as it burns too easily. The power is clockwork so as long as the user has hands email can be retrieved successfully. If your hands are blown then a bicycle power and other accessories are available for a bit extra even a leather case.

I can’t reveal exact details as copyists and plagers are everywhere but sand is a main requirement and can be found in borderless regions. I can’t afford world wide patent. My prototype unit was stolen by hired thugs dressed like children right from outside the Metro. SO WE must act now. Before Microsoft or sum such place gets into it’s hands!

I need £2458 and a watch of good make like Rolex to resupply and get warm. A new testing facility is awaiting in Australia with plenty of sand and testing subjects. Once there I will build a new prototype so we are ready. When it starts there will only me and you, Barry and a few hundred Aborigines with web access + email and banking. We will have all the power and money we need.New protocols will need to be written and an algorithm for search and other functions, but that’s it we’re in business!

I look forward to hearing from you and working with you in the future. If you can’t send the money yet just send the watch so I can get started.



Old Times Are Not Forgotten

Dear Barry Could you front me a couple of million to help the South secede from those Northern opressors. This time I promise we’ll get her done right!

Look Away Dixieland!