superior personalised transport
Yesterday I awoke with a terrible pain in my wallet and decided I had to get out of my mansion.
I dressed down in cheap Gap clothing so I’d blend in with the masses and not draw attention to myself. God I felt bad.
I left, sneaking past my bodyguards, and out onto the street. I had no idea where I was going or what I was going to do.
It was exhilarating just being outside. On the spur of the moment I jumped on a bus, I really wanted to see and hear poor people talking and this seemed like a good way of getting close to them.
Christ, I hadn’t been on public transport since I took acid at college. What a scene! you people are in a much worse state than I thought. The awful smell of sweat and cheap perfume made me retch.The incessant moaning and griping about this and that.
I must say it was one of the most depressing experiences of my life. I secretly placed the entire contents of my wallet, including my black Amex card, in one fat old woman’s bag and then jumped off the bus at the first stop, satisfied that I had made someone’s day.
I headed back home, but had forgotten where I lived. Nightmare really - I had to get one of my butlers to pick me up in the helicopter.
It’s actually a new Bell BA609 Tiltrotor. What a great machine. A billionaire like me could conceivably take off from the helipad of a country house outside London, fly in comfort to a meeting in Frankfurt in just 60 minutes, then fly on to Zurich, Milan and back home for early dinner. All with a minimum of ground transportation requirements..
Back home in no time!
All the best Barry
Hi Barry - this is along shot and I'm not sure if you even like football but Arsene Wenger must go. If you could buy Arsenal Football club you could simultaneously lose a lot of your cash and replace the manager with someone who knows what they are doing maybe - Tony Pulis or Big Sam would be better.
True cost of removing evil
Have you ever wondered why we spent millions of billions removing an evil Arab dictor from power.
Yes I have wondered.
With current rolling news mess in our faces, first Egypt, then the other ones. These guys have been doing revolution for less than $1000 - the true cost of removing evil.
I won't mention Lybia or Siriah. Too expensive for my tastes.
Not billions millions. What does it cost. A Facebook account = free. twitter account also free. Maybe some photocopying $250.
Permanent markers. permanent martyrs LOL.
Sticks, stones < free on the sidewalk. maybe some gas for throwing. But whatever you say it don't cost American body bags no more.
I have an idea for an iPhone App - kind of quick start Arab dictor revolution swiss army knife app.
You can set up Facegroup, Twitter angry Arab groups with one click. set you budget, find nearest copy shop and more. Status updates of revolutions in progress would be nice.
Estimate $10000 for dev work.
App would be free download as I don't want to make money out of Arabs but would like to do my bit.
Awaiting your immediate response.
the road to hell...
Woke up the other day and realized that I’d been going about giving my fortune away all wrong.
Instead of spending the next 77 years wading through the begs trying to make the world a better place I should try and give massive chunks away at once.
At first I considered punting a few million to charities that work overseas but thought they probably had enough white Toyota Land Cruisers to be going on with. But then it hit me-I should convert a muck spreader so that instead of spreading manure it would pelt out pound coins to the poor.
I quickly set my butler, Ivan to work and within a day or two we were ready to go. Usually it would take months but that’s what money buys you-time. And tricked out muck spreaders.
It was all looking good, but then we hit a snag. Ivan, reverting to his Russian revolutionary principles, had loaded the 2 million quids worth of pound coins with the Queen’s head facing down.
Now I’m not a royalist by any means-my Lamborghini Countach has a bumper sticker of Oliver Cromwell riding a King Charles spaniel-but I knew in my heart of hearts that it was disrespectful to have the old Lizzie’s noggin facing the wrong way.
After all she’d bravely stayed in London during the war to face the Germans while my shirking grandfather had left his family at home and ran off to North Africa, Italy and the beaches of Normandy.
So I instructed Ivan to cease his communist ways and to make sure all of them were facing upwards. He estimated this would take another 48 hours, so I took the chance to hop in the ‘copter and hit the tables down in Monte Carlo.
It was a great trip, I only lost $200,000, though I did get into a fight with the singer Mick Hucknall about which was deeper man made navigation channel, the Manchester Ship Canal or the St Lawrence Seaway. He was for the St Lawrence.
Fisticuffs ensued which left him bald and me with a new ginger party wig.
By the time I got back the coins were facing the correct way and Ivan said all was ready for the distribution. I don’t mind admitting I was excited. Here I was about to get rid of nearly 2 million pounds in a fair and democratic manner.
This was going to be a great day for a great many people.
I couldn’t have envisioned how badly wrong it would turn out. Ivan had set the muck spreader to ‘extreme’ so as soon as we switched it on, by the local sheep farm, pound coins began spraying out like one of those ultra fast machine guns you get on helicopters.
I won’t go into the gory details but if you ever meet Jason & his Argonauts, tell them to stop sailing aimlessly around fighting skeletons and that the golden fleece, no make that a flock of fleeces are located near my country mansion.
We made a speedy escape, OK we trundled off at around 5 mile an hour, and it was back to the drawing board. Will i ever be rid of my fortune
urgent assistance required
Hey barry, I've just shit my pants in a very public place. Could you send me some cash via paypal so i can get some new undercrackers. Cheers serge