Need research funds
I have been conducting a series of experiments with self driving cars in South London. As i’m sure you’ll agree whoever cracks this will make untold billions supplying vehicles to the likes of Uber, Amazon and the major car makers.
Alas, my experiments so far have proved disastrous. This is mainly because instead of guiding the cars by a computer aided navigational system, I have been using the power of will alone.
Now, as anyone who knows me knows, I have an extremely strong will. But it has not strong been enough to stop my experiments from crashing into a) A lampost in Kennington, B) the lido at Brockwell Park and c) a a group of doggers on Clapham Common.
So I ask for you to invest some funds so I can design my own navigational technology. I’ve done some research and reckon I could get by with a TomTom Sat Nav, an old mop and a roll of knitting yarn. 400 quid should do it.
Hope to hear from you soon.
Terrorized by Glass
I write in desperation. You are my only hope. I think i am losing my mind!!!!!!!!
Ever since I can remember I have been stalked by a mystery figure who appears on any reflective glass surfaces in every house or place i lived or visited. Cars, stores, you name it, these figures appears!
I have no idea who this mystery figure is (i get so frightened i never look for longer than a milisecond) all i know is i get scared and lash out and have to smash the glass.
I am now live in a windowless apartment in Detroit, drink from stone beakers and have to wear chain mail gloves whenever i go out. I am at my wits end at what to do.
Please send a couple of million dollars so I can get to the bottom of this.
PS The terrorizer showed up on my ipad screen as i wrote this and I had to smash the shit out of it. So please add a thousand bucks to my total.
13 seconds to save the World
I am Geoff, the destroyer of worlds. Not sure if you remember me. I begged a big pile of cash from you back in 2011 to build a time machine so I could travel into the future. My plan was to mooch around a bit, check out how things turn out for the human race and then report back, hopefully with good news.
Well I am sorry to say that it is not good news, Barry, not good at all. I haven’t managed to build a time machine that will take me further than 13 seconds into the future. It works but obviously 13 seconds isn’t much time for me to get back and let the world know what is going to happen. In fact, it takes me a good 15 -20 minutes to get out of my contraption, have a shower and by then whatever I’ve discovered is all over Twitter anyway.
I think it’s a power issue and the only solution would appear for me to build my own nuclear power facility - possibly 5 or 6 power stations all linked together to provide the necessary juice to get me far enough into the future to make a real difference.
I am close, Barry, so close. I’m also depressed and could do with a holiday.
Hope you can help
Geoff, the destroyer of worlds
Thanks for the money
I hope that you are well and not too depressed about being a multi-billionaire with everything you could possibly imagine owning.
Sorry it has taken me so long to write. I was happy to receive the £10 you sent via PayPal just before Christmas. It went a long way towards helping me and my family enjoy the festive season.
Now that you have proved to me that you are a generous and kind man would you please send me £2million in time for Easter.
Keith, Helen and the kids
I can tell by your profile picture that like me you are a man fond of gold and charity. I hope you will be able to help me in my golden charitable endeavours.
It really is for a good cause—athletes that have fallen on hard times. And dentistry.
As you know (or may not, after-all I don’t live inside your head) many top Olympians end up in the poorhouse or humiliating themselves after their careers have ended because of age or after having accidentally stood on needles containing performance enhancing drugs.
Jesse Owens had to race against horses for cash, Britain’s Olympic cyclist Sir Bradley Wiggins had his haircut sponsored by Cleethorpes’ Paul Weller fan club and Usain Bolt secretly acts as a human compass for the Himalayan Kingdom of Bhutan.
Don’t believe me? Check out the next time he does his arrow pose—he’s always pointing to magnetic north.
I want this to stop before we see the likes of 17 time gold winner swimmer Michael Phelps starring as a murderous Walrus on Game of Thrones (though that would be kinda of cool) so here’s my proposal;
You give me 79 million dollars so I can go round buying up Olympic champions’ gold medals. They get the cash and live lives free of humiliation, I get to keep the medals for my own use.
What use you ask? Well, I have always had problems with my teeth and need a full mouth replacement I’m going to melt all the medals down to make a set of dental implants.
I then plan to travel the world and allow anyone who asks to brush my golden grill, so both spreading the Olympic spirit of ‘can do’ and keeping my 24 carrat chiclets in good condition.
Please answer my proposal by sunrise.