Help infirm actors now!
Hello again Barry,
As you rudely did not accept my recent proposal to help stop old athletes ending up in the dog food factory by buying their gold medals and turning them into teeth I have another proposition for you.
This one has more 'celebrity' around it, so knowing how vain and self centred you are (i follow you on Instagram @begbarry) I think you will fund it.
Instead of buying athletes gold medals we should buy Oscar winners statuettes, melt them down to help the world's poor and gummy and in process saving broken down actors from a life of poverty.
I mean Christ did you see Warren Beatty last night at the Oscar ceremony? Think what he could do with a couple of hundred dollars. Get some reading glasses for starters.
Please let me know by Noon (Reunion Island Time) your answer,
What is a portion anyway?
This email may come as some surprise. My name is Delores and you will remember me from the HF Massage Parlour - it’s closed down now and in its place is a Lucky Pet Premium Pet Food Store.
I’m now back in the UK after being deported and through no fault of my own I have 8 children to support - I’m not even sure if some of them are mine. Anyway Baz, I remember you said that if ever I needed anything you would be happy to help, so here goes.
Things are tough at the moment and I’m very worried after reading somewhere that it is now the law that everybody eats 33 portions of fruit and veg per day! I’m not even sure what a portion is but I do know I don’t want to go back to prison. I’ve priced up the cost of 33 portions of Petit Pois X 8 children X 7 days and it is a lot of peas per week. The best price I’ve found is Tesco which works out at 15p per 100g - I know some people will say I could get garden peas which are cheaper but two of the kids, Rio and Jordan, won’t touch them so it’s pointless.
If you could set up a standing order or regular delivery from Tesco I could avoid a lengthy jail term, and the children might avoid many common western illnesses in later life. I could do with a bigger freezer as well. So we all win.
My name is Larry
I wrote this for luck
I don't seem to have any.
Your name is Barry
You think money is muck
I admire your pledge to help many.
Please send me the money or I will hunt you.
All the best
Dear Barry, I'm here to request help in a personal ambition of mine. The question is simple- Does money = Happiness? See this as a little experiment. Let me live like Barry for 1 month and it will answer all of my questions. I wanna buy a big house, own multiple cars, have any girl I desire and to pretty much buy everything possible. Let's say £1 million is enough to live like you for a few weeks? Make this happen Barry! Many people still think that money is the answer to happiness and I wanna find out the truth. Cheers Barry.
Send me 3 years salary
Alright, la - hope this finds you well. My request for assistance may come as a surprise as I am someone who on the surface has everything a lad could want. I have a lovely wife, a fleet of cars, several houses and I've made love to some really attractive older birds - but it's all just empty and shallow. Even my wife is hollow, like.
I have been highly successful in my chosen career as a professional footballer and some would say that I have reached the pinnacle in my field - I am a global superstar, goal scoring centre forward for a top, top, top club and also my country. I get paid the same in a year as most people will earn in a lifetime - and that lifetime would have to include a lottery win, an unexpected inheritance from Uncle Bob in Australia and lucking out on the London property market.
So why do I need cash. Well everyone has to keep up appearances and although I’ve earned a big pile of dosh, I’ve spent it like a fish in a chip shop. Now I’m coming to the end of my career and it looks like my next contract will be my last and for much less than I’m used to. I could go to China but that is not an option for someone of my stature and poor linguistic skills- it would be embarrassing for me and my family, like . I just can’t do it, la. I’d look like a proper divvy. People will laugh and I hate that. I can't even pronounce the name of the club that wants to sign me and I’m not a big fan of their scran.
Could you just send me 3 years salary so I can sack off the China idea, stay put and maintain my current lifestyle. I'll sort you out with some tickets for a game or two and get the bevvies in. This is really getting me down, Barry, and I see you as my only hope. Go ‘ed lad sort me out with a few quid. It’s doing my head in, like.
Dave (not my real name)