Hitman pays me a visit. I pay him off.
My butler Ivan has just reported back, he;d seen a Bigfoot in the back yard! This is bad news indeed.
In case you didn’t know, Bigfoot often works with the Illuminati as an assassin for hire, so seeing one in the farm means only one thing.
He is here to do me in, in the preferred Bigfoot manner by twisting my head off like a cap on a Bud Lite bottle.
Fortunately I know Bigfoot’s cousin, Mr Yeti, through my days spent in 10K dollars a day rejuvenation clinics run by theosopic monks high in the Himalayas.
Bigfoot has a lot of time for his cousin so he's agreed to a payoff of 200K USD. Luckily I was about to build a model of Olney’s town hall made entirely of Napoleon Brandy soaked 100 dollar bills so I have the cash to hand. I gave him it in two wal mart bags and told him to use the money to get his hair cut (he was sporting a Hitler mullet)
But the Illumniati must know I’m here so I’m packing my bags (well, Ivan is) and moving on to a safe house. Anyone who offers me shelter will be well rewarded!!
Hurry though, Bitcoins value is dropping by the minute!
Plain country living
After my appeal for help earlier this week after I discovered I’m on an Illuminati hit list I’ve been moved by all the offers.
Moved to never give out any money again—only two people offered me sanctuary during this time of great danger. But God Bless the two that did, they will receive their Bit Coins shortly.
I’m now holed up on a farm in the American mid west with my butler Ivan.
I won’t say precisely where (and i’m posting this from a signal that is being routed through 23 proxies and bounced off Alex Jones’ head) but Olney, Illinois has a very nice diner where the good folks of the town meet to discuss the day.
I think they were a bit shocked when I walked in. Maybe it was my Karl Lagerfeld suit or that i ordered a vegan breakfast or that Ivan spoon fed me every last morsel. But it soon settled down.
When I left I tipped the waitress 10K USD and she decided there and then to come work for me. A couple of families that saw me give me the small tip, invited me to dinner this evening.
Seems they are some good folks left in the world!
But the Illuminati still loom and I’m a moment ago I could hear one of them scuttling around in the back yard. I’m sending Ivan out to have a look and will report back later….
PS To the Illuminati who hacked the blog. there aren’t any WH Smiths in southern Illinois! They can’t even read here here! Let alone have newstands. Haven’t thought your cunning plan through have you?
TURN YOURSELF IN BARRY
I am sorry things have turned out this way and you have rejected your chance to join the Illuminati. Be warned, we will hunt you down because our reputation is at stake and also a few of us really enjoy hunting.
There is still time to stop this and I am begging you to turn yourself in before anybody else called Barry gets hurt.
You can surrender at any branch of WHSmith’s or any outlet displaying the PayPoint sign.
Warmest regards and season's greetings
The Illuminati - High Street Operations Division. Closed Christmas Day and Boxing Day.
In the following post you will read super secret knowledge that could put your very life in jeopardy. Proceed with caution and demagnetise your internet immediately after
This might come as a surprise to many of you but Planet Earth is not controlled by what we think of as our governments but by a super secret organisation made up of the world’s richest known as the Illuminati.
Ever since I became a multi billionaire through lottery wins and funding hedges (you should see the one I built across India, it’s magnificent and has made me a mint) the Illuminati have been on at me to join up with them and help run the world.
I’ve always resisted not cos i’ve any objection to a super secret organisation controlling the fate of the world but because I think the night shift at Taco Bell on 23010 Sunnymead Blvd, Moreno Valley, California 92553 could do a better job.
But now the Illuminati have let me know (they sent me a note wrapped round a brick through my window last night after they realised i had awakened from my cryonic sleep ) that cos I know too many of their secrets i have to now join or die.
Even though I have a super elite bodyguard unit staffed by ex members of the SAS, Green Berets, SEALs and Bridlington Miners Welfare Brass Band I’m worried.
The Illuminati, though useless at running the world, are very good at killing in ingenious ways—one of their chosen victims spontaneously combusted on a London street after an Illuminatus used a special cell phone in his vicinity.
So I’m going to go on the run for the next week or so and I need your help. the Illuminati have staked out all my mansions world wide so I need a place to lie low. Can one of you help?
You may be thinking can my humble hovel couldn’t possibly play host to one of the world’s richest men. Well as long as it has 2 bedrooms (one for me and one for Ivan my butler) and a color TV and a place for my pet swans to graze ii should be all good.
I have to steer clear of Arkansas as it is the Illuminati’s home base but anywhere else should be fine.
I’ve helped literally none of you so it is time to pay back the favor. They’ll be a few bitcoins in it for you!
It's cold but good to be back
Christ - what a rest! Judging by my inbox I’ve been sorely missed. Nine thousand begs to sort out. At the current rate, it’ll take my butler, Ivan, several years to write a heartfelt personalised reply to each and every single one of you.
You may be wondering where I’ve been the last three months. Like many multi-billionaires, I invested heavily in cryogenic freezing technology when I first became filthy rich. It made sense at the time, the logic being that it would be impossible to spend my vast wealth in one lifetime and so I’d need maybe 10 or even 20 lifetimes to get the most out of it. Now, of course, it’s possible to grow new body parts as you need them in one of your laboratories hidden in the desert and so cryo-preservation has fallen out of fashion with the elite classes. If I have a cold or flu-like symptoms now, I just grow myself a new nose and I’m good to go.