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In the following post you will read super secret knowledge that could put your very life in jeopardy. Proceed with caution and demagnetise your internet immediately after

This might come as a surprise to many of you but Planet Earth is not controlled by what we think of as our governments but by a super secret organisation made up of the world’s richest known as the Illuminati. Ever since I became a multi billionaire through lottery wins and funding hedges (you should see the one I built across India, it’s magnificent and has made me a mint) the Illuminati have been on at me to join up with them and help run the world. I’ve always resisted not cos i’ve any objection to a super secret organisation controlling the fate of the world but because I think the night shift at Taco Bell on 23010 Sunnymead Blvd, Moreno Valley, California 92553 could do a better job. But now the Illuminati have let me know (they sent me a note wrapped round a brick through my window last night after they realised i had awakened from my cryonic sleep ) that cos I know too many of their secrets i have to now join or die. Even though I have a super elite bodyguard unit staffed by ex members of the SAS, Green Berets, SEALs and Bridlington Miners Welfare Brass Band I’m worried. The Illuminati, though useless at running the world, are very good at killing in ingenious ways—one of their chosen victims spontaneously combusted on a London street after an Illuminatus used a special cell phone in his vicinity. So I’m going to go on the run for the next week or so and I need your help. the Illuminati have staked out all my mansions world wide so I need a place to lie low. Can one of you help? You may be thinking can my humble hovel couldn’t possibly play host to one of the world’s richest men. Well as long as it has 2 bedrooms (one for me and one for Ivan my butler) and a color TV and a place for my pet swans to graze ii should be all good. I have to steer clear of Arkansas as it is the Illuminati’s home base but anywhere else should be fine. I’ve helped literally none of you so it is time to pay back the favor. They’ll be a few bitcoins in it for you!


It's cold but good to be back

Christ - what a rest! Judging by my inbox I’ve been sorely missed. Nine thousand begs to sort out. At the current rate, it’ll take my butler, Ivan, several years to write a heartfelt personalised reply to each and every single one of you. You may be wondering where I’ve been the last three months. Like many multi-billionaires, I invested heavily in cryogenic freezing technology when I first became filthy rich. It made sense at the time, the logic being that it would be impossible to spend my vast wealth in one lifetime and so I’d need maybe 10 or even 20 lifetimes to get the most out of it. Now, of course, it’s possible to grow new body parts as you need them in one of your laboratories hidden in the desert and so cryo-preservation has fallen out of fashion with the elite classes. If I have a cold or flu-like symptoms now, I just grow myself a new nose and I’m good to go.

Make My Fridge Frigid Again

Make My Fridge Frigid Again

Dear Barry mate,

I need to ask a favour. A small one, not much cash involved. 

My wife has left me because of our new fridge freezer. It’s one of those so called ‘smart’ ones and she came home to find me wanking off in front of it. Myself, I can’t see the problem—i crack one out in front of all my other internet connected devices so why should this be any different? 

Who cares if it hasn't got a screen and I can't even see porn. It's connected to the internet so that's what it's for right?

But she won’t come back till i buy a new old fashioned fridge (if that makes any sense) and get rid of the old one.

Now I can afford to get a hotpoint from argos but am struggling with the ten quid disposal fee. So if you  give us a tenner it would sort this mess out. I think it will be cheaper than a divorce.



Cat Lady Query

Cat Lady Query

Hi Barry,

 Greetings from the beautiful state of Nebraska! Go corn Huskers Go!

 I am what you might term a ‘cat lady’. I know it is meant as an unkind term, but I cannot deny the truth of it—i am a lady who is into cats. In fact some might say my feline affection goes too far. My Ex-Husband Bob thought so when he came home early from his manager’s job at the Dairy Queen in Lincoln and caught me in bed having ‘relations’ with a ginger tom and a tawny tabby I’d picked up from the pet rescue. 

 I’ve since stopped my alley catting ways (plus the pet rescue took out a restraining order)  and am now ready to settle down with a handsome Burmese cat, Mr Binky I found living in a dumpster. Trouble is in the United States human cat marriage is not legal. So I need a couple of million to lobby my local congressman to try and get a law passed in Washington. Please help love find a way, Barry.




If you don’t help. GO F*CK YOURSELF!